GIRL ANACHRONISM

Enough

2012-02-12T20:52:00.000-08:00

One moment. That's all it takes to change everything.

One minute, one conversation, one look, one argument, one exasperated sigh, and that's it. Everything changes. I suppose it has been gradual....hell, I know it's been gradual. That gradual buildup of mistrust, hurt, overwhelming feelings followed by a complete breakdown of those same feelings......everything builds until it spills over and leaves nothing but a mess. Things could have gone one of two ways. I wanted it to go one very specific way, and even though I knew it would never go that way, I tried my damndest to force it in that direction.

Some things aren't meant to be. Like this situation, or Lady Gaga wearing something from the Gap.

I just didn't want to give up. I wanted things so badly to work out. I've never wanted anything more in my entire life. But at what point do I decide enough is enough? At what point do I realize that it's not worth it anymore?

I think that moment was today.

I feel a little lost, but more so then that I feel nothing. I think I'm tired of feeling. There's no need to waste another emotion on this whole thing. I have nothing left to give.

Levi Emil

2012-02-08T10:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my little brother had a baby!!! Well he didn't, obviously, but ya know.

It's exciting because up until yesterday at 4:40 in the morning, I was not an aunt. Now I am an aunt, to a little 5lb 9oz dude who was 19 1/2 inches long and totally awesome. And now my parents are GRANDPARENTS, so that means I can make fun of them for being old.

Plus, little Levi is the cutest darn thing I've ever seen.

Only moments after this picture was taken, little dude spat up all over great grandma.

My momma and her first grandbaby.

My grandparents, Levi's great grandparents. Too cute.

I am very, very excited for my little brother. I've seen with my own eyes how true it is that a child will forever change you. Josh, in just the short time Levi has been here, has changed quite a bit. I know he's going to be a great father and that Levi is very lucky to have a dad like him. Josh wouldn't leave his side the entire time he was in the NICU and then in the nursery.

Plus Josh is pretty funny and a hard worker. Levi is dang lucky.

And so am I, because I can buy Levi cute stuff and hang out with him all the time, and then I can go home and go to sleep and sleep all through the night. Win.

Dispatcher of the Year

2012-02-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

Guess who is pretty darn awesome???

ME!!!!!!

I got Dispatcher of the Year for 2011. I got my little framed certificate and my name on a plaque AND a gift card at the awards ceremony last Tuesday. The best part was after the Chief talked about me for a bit and I got my certificate one of the officers yelled out "we love you Wendy!"

I wish I knew which officer it was because I would make sure not to ever dispatch him to a call involving someone who has crapped themselves.

Yay me.

Somebody That I Used to Know

2012-01-18T21:28:00.000-08:00

I seriously can't stop listening to this song. I love Gotye mucho.

Also he kinda reminds me of my friend Ben. My friend Ben that lives in Switzerland and has really awesome red hair. I miss that kid.

Why I Love the Utah Jazz

2012-01-16T16:23:00.000-08:00

I've never really been a sports person persay. I've always liked the Utah Jazz because for most of my life they were the only sports team of any kind Utah had, so it's that whole hometown team pride thing. But now, now my liking of the Jazz has become a complete obsession. An undying love. And it's for a strange reason I suppose.

Jazz games can stop my panic attacks.

Weird, right? I think it's because when I was having panic attacks all the time and I was living on my mom's couch, I watched a lot of Jazz games. And watching those games did a few things for me;

1. I had something to concentrate on other than my panic.
2. My mom and/or dad was there watching the game with me, so I wasn't alone.
3. There was always some kind of awesome dinner when there was a Jazz game on.
4. I decided that if I didn't die from panic, it would be really, really fun to go to a Jazz game. I concentrated on that and made it a goal.

So even during that period of my life when I was basically having a panic attack at all times, if there was a Jazz game on I would immediately calm down. It was like magic.

Now, a Jazz game to me is like a hug or a lullaby or something else comforting, like Patrick Stewart's voice. I love the Jazz. I love that they (unbeknownst to them) helped me through my crazy, and I also love that they are doing so well right now, which is what prompted me to write this random, random post.

Anyway. Go Jazz.

Two Years

2012-01-09T20:02:00.000-08:00

Two years ago today I had my very first panic attack.

Two years ago today I honestly thought I was about to die. I went to the ER convinced that I was living the last few moments of my life. It was the scariest thing that I have EVER been through. I lived, of course, but for a while I thought that I honestly only had moments left.

Two years ago today was the beginning of a four month nightmare. I thought I was losing my mind. I can't even adequately explain what it's like to be terrified of your own thoughts, to not know what is real and what isn't, and to be scared to death be the thought that you are actually going insane. It all sounds silly, but trust me, it's not.

I honestly can't believe it's been two years. It feels like it was just yesterday. I can vividly remember every single feeling I had during that time, all the thoughts that constantly flooded my brain, and the overwhelming fear. It was awful. That word doesn't even do it justice though. It's one of those things that feels like it was yesterday but at the same time it feels like it was decades ago. It also sometimes feels like it happened to someone else, that there is no way that all that actually happened to me. That I acted the way I did. That I was so scared of everything and that I couldn't control my own thoughts. That's not me.

But it was. And when my anxiety gets bad, or I have a (nowadays) infrequent panic attack, that still is me. And that's okay.

Anxiety sucks, but I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm thankful it happened. Two years ago I temporarily had a nervous breakdown, but it changed my life for the better.

I push myself now to do things I wouldn't normally do, just to prove that I can. To prove that anxiety doesn't own me.

I don't take my life for granted. I don't take my family for granted. I don't take my mind for granted. Nothing is guaranteed, and I know that now.

I have a will to live that I didn't have before. I want to try new things constantly and have adventures and spend more time being happy than sad.

I've also had the opportunity to help people in a way I never thought I would. I know how grateful I was to have family members who knew exactly what I was going through when I was going through all that nonsense. I couldn't imagine not having someone to talk to who had experienced what it's like, because it's definitely something that you can't understand unless you've been through it. I wanted to be that person for others who were going it alone. So I was. I joined a mental health site and became a contributor on the anxiety page. I wrote articles and answered questions and opened up my email to people who needed help.

And helping them helped me.

So here I am two years later in a place much better than I could have ever imagined.

Happy Anniversary to me.

How I Almost Slept Through New Years

2012-01-05T11:03:00.000-08:00

My New Years was entirely uneventful. I have never really been a fan of the holiday, probably because I don't recall ever really having a super fun time on New Years. I feel like it should always be more awesome than it is, and then it becomes a bit of a let down. Next year though I'm going to make an effort and do something really awesome, just so I can say I had one fantastic New Years in my young life.

Saturday I worked from 5am to 3pm, then ran a bunch of errands. By the time I got to Trey's house around 6 I was exhausted. We went to dinner at Tepanyaki, my most favorite place ever, and then went back to his house to get ready. I had been invited to a couple of parties and I planned on going, but I fell asleep on Trey's couch. Until 1130. Oops.

Luckily I had bought some cheap tiaras, noisemakers, and fake champagne at the store so Trey and I kinda celebrated at midnight. I had to force him to stop watching Cheers long enough to watch the ball drop, and then it was back to more Cheers. So it wasn't necessarily a bad night, just not very exciting I suppose.

I can't wait for next year though, hopefully it will be full of more debauchery and less naps. And maybe a little less Cheers. Or not, because that show is really still pretty darn good.

It's Alive

2012-01-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

In honor of a new year and my need for a hobby, I revived my photo a day blog.

Huzzah.

New Year Promises

2012-01-02T15:27:00.000-08:00

That is perhaps true, but I'm posting all about them anyway and I expect you to read them all and take notes. Sucka.

I have always been awful at New Year's resolutions. I start out strong usually, but it only takes a matter of weeks before I completely quit whatever it was I was trying to accomplish. Being complacent and not pushing myself to make a better life just seems so much easier than all the commitment and work it's going to take to turn everything around. Of course in the long run, as I see now, being lazy makes life so much harder. The vast majority of my days are spent the same way, doing the same things over and over while wishing things were different. Obviously nothing is going to change if I don't take charge of the helm and change them myself, right?

Lately my life has been a mess, and I haven't been happy with it or myself in a long time. I spend a vast amount of time wondering, "is this it? Is this my life?" What an awful waste of time that is.

So this year I am going to change things. I'm in my late 20s, which in the grand scheme of things is not old at all, but I feel it is. I need to change things now so the rest of my life is full of all the awesomeness I deserve. I'm making resolutions this year. No, not resolutions......promises. I'm going to do every one of these things, and I can't wait to see the difference a year can actually make.

Plus, if the Mayans are correct, this may be my last year to get my shiz together, so I better get on it for reals.*

2012 Promises

~ Lose weight.
The ever popular resolution of females worldwide. This past year I have made good strides towards reaching this goal. I've lost 30lbs and regained those 30lbs right back.....twice. But I've figured out what works and what doesn't. I know what workouts I will stick with, and which ones I won't. And the biggest thing is that I know it's possible. I can lose the weight, it just takes a lot of work. I'm ready though, I want this more than anything.

~ Start saving up money and seriously look into buying a home.
This is something that lately has been screaming at me. I want a house. I want something that's mine, to decorate and live in and be proud of. I've waited because I always dreamed of living somewhere else...somewhere that probably seems more magical than it really is, like California or London. I realize now though that that may not happen, and it's definitely not happening now, so for the time being I need my own space.

~ Let go of those that make my life worse instead of better.
This will be hard one. I love my friends, but there are a few who bring too much drama into my world. There are others that make me question my self worth. And there are others who are simply on a different path. I no longer have the time to handle petty nonsense, hate myself, let my self esteem drop, and lower my standards to fit in with those around me. Done and done.

~ Reconnect with those that do make my life better.
I have let too many good people fall by the wayside while I've lived in my sad little bubble of hate and drama and nonsense. I miss those people, a lot.

~ Try crafting.
I feel like this is something I would like, but in my lazy state I just haven't had the motivation to try anything. I'm going to try and find out whether or not it's something I like once and for all.

~ Hang out with my family more.
I realize that my family will always be there for me, no matter what, and I haven't really given them as much of my time as I should.

~ Pay off all my bills
Yes please.

~ Decide everyday to be happy.
I need a major attitude adjustment. I need to realize how lucky I am, thank people more often, and choose happiness over fear, regret, anger, and sadness.

~ Don't let anxiety hold me back.
I'm honestly proud of how well I've handled my anxiety and panic attacks. This year I want to keep pushing myself out of comfort zone. I want to fly on many a plane, take road trips, stay in new places, see new things, and not let fear stop me.

~ Travel
Always.

~ Learn how to walk in heels.
I want to try being fancy.

*I do not buy into the 2012

nonsense. Especially since I haven't

been to Europe yet, and I know

that's going to happen before I die.

2011, You Were Okay I Guess

2011-12-31T05:35:00.000-08:00

2011 was pretty uneventful for the most part.

That's not necessarily a bad thing though. After the redonkulousness that was 2010 it was kinda nice to have a little break. Though nothing huge happened this year, a lot of small things did occur which I think will lead to huge things happening in the future.

One of the biggest things, and something I'm incredibly proud of, was me getting my anxious, panic riddled ass on a plane.

I flew to Vegas in May, and it was a big deal. I had myself convinced that anxiety would keep me from ever flying again, which in turn would keep me from doing one of my most favorite things ever.

Traveling is awesome, and I'm glad I can still do it.....anxiety be damned.

I also saw Rammstein in concert, which would have made my 7th grade self pass out from the awesomeness of it all.

It was just as awesome and as epic as I thought it would be.

This year I also think I finally figured out the whole fitness/healthy lifestyle thing, which is good. Now it's just a matter of putting it into practice.

I also started dating this year with a vengeance. I don't know if it's necessarily a good thing or not really, but at least I'm not scared of dating anymore. And I'm learning about what I want, what I don't, and what I absolutely WILL NOT settle for.

So.......that's about it I suppose. If I had to sum up 2011 in one word it would be........

Humdrum.

I guess.

Bring it on 2012, I have some big plans for you. Namely Disneyland and more Rammstein. And more blogging too. I sucked at blogging this year, but humdrum-ness is hard to write about I suppose.

Word.

Christmas Stuff and The UP House

2011-12-24T10:58:00.000-08:00

Where have I been?

Working mostly. And breaking up with 2 boys, both of whom I didn't think I was dating in the first place, but apparently I was. Dating is hard, and weird, and kinda dumb. I think I'm going to stop for a while now and focus more on me and my health and whatnot.

I've also been Christmas shopping like a fool. I may have gone a bit crazy this year, but that's okay. I'm excited for tomorrow, and I hope people like the presents I so painstakingly ordered from Amazon.com.

Now some photos!

First, Trey and I went to Wendover for my my most favorite boss ever, Michelle's birthday.

We had an AWESOME view from our window. Wendover is so gosh darn pretty.

We also went to the Dickens Festival, which I remember being so magical and wonderful when I was a kid. Now as an adult, it's less magical and more annoying in that most of the workers' fake British accents are awful, and it's like one big mall kiosk bonanza where everyone is trying to stop you to try out what they're selling. Boo.

Christmas Tree!

I went downtown with the intention of seeing the lights at Temple Square, but there was nowhere to park and it was really cold, so this is all we saw.

And finally, I got to see the UP house that was built in Herriman. It's super cute, and I want to live there, but I don't want to live there bad enough to pay $400,000, which is what it sold for.

That post was all over the place.

Anyway, Merry Christmas everybody!!!!!

...............

2011-11-12T23:10:00.001-08:00

That's about all I have right now.

I'm tired.

Halloween Festivities

2011-10-30T15:11:00.000-07:00

Even though I am FREAKING SICK, like I always am on Halloween, I went to a few parties last night and stopped by Gracie's for some dancin'.

I was Ke$ha because I love her. F'reals.

It was good times. I also spent some time with Becki being all fancy at Ballet West's Dracula.

It was also awesome, but it hurt my heart. I miss dancing. I wish I would have had a better understanding when I was younger that yes, you could have a career involving dance. Gosh dangit.

But you know what makes me feel better? An old Weeble Haunted House!! Do you remember this at all? Because I loved the eff out of it when I was younger, and my parents happened to find it the other day.

Now I plan on spending Halloween hopefully doing something else awesome, like finding someone to watch Paranormal Activity 2 with me so I can then see the third one. I'm friends with babies though, no one wants to watch it with me. Boo.

That One Time I Almost Lost an Eyeball

2011-10-07T07:14:00.000-07:00

What have I been up to lately.......ummmmm.......

Ya know, just GOING BLIND IN ONE EYE.

Cutest picture of me EVAHHHHHHH.

So I'm not really blind, only kinda. My eye started hurting like woah about 2 weeks ago, then it started hurting even more....like a velociraptor was using my eye as a scratching post.

So I went to the eye doctor because it hurt like hell and everything was blurry.

And basically he said I had a corneal ulcer, I'd scratched my eye somehow and then that scratch got infected. Yay. He said it was a small one, so I won't go blind, but I couldn't wear contacts for 2 whole weeks. My glasses are from 8th grade so this has made me a sad panda because I look like a dweeb AND they aren't really the right prescription so I can't see what I'm doing.

I was given permission to resume contact wearing tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes. It better go well, I'm going to an all day concert and I don't want my McDweeb glasses getting knocked off my face.

I need new glasses. That is on my to do list.

To Do List

Make a to do list - CHECK
Check first thing off to do list - CHECK
Feel accomplished because you've already completed 2 things on your to do list - CHECK
Buy new glasses - PENDING

Tim Burton!

2011-09-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

Yay, yay, yay!!!!!!

Have you seen the Tim Burton blog party that Paper Sparrow is having?? I'm so excited. I love the crap out of Tim Burton. And October. I can't wait.

10

2011-09-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have so much to say about what happened ten years ago today, but I can't find the words.

I'll never forget.

Goodbye Summer and Boy Woes

2011-09-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

I spent my Labor Day weekend saying goodbye to summer at the water park.

Endless summer......I wish.

I also said goodbye to some other things in my life. Well not goodbye per say, but see ya later. I've made the decision to stop waiting around for something to happen. I have decided to stop wasting my time. I have decided to concentrate on me and my happiness. I have decided that I don't feel that way about him anymore.

The last one is not so much a decision I guess, but a realization.

I don't feel that way anymore. And honestly, I don't think I have for a while now. I was confusing love with co dependence. The problem was that I had made him my everything. My life outside of work revolved around him. When we were going to hang out, what we were going to eat, making sure he had clothes and food and rides to work. I liked that he needed me. But since he was my everything, the times when he told me that he couldn't hang out because he was maybe going to start dating some girl, I got scared. That meant I would have nothing. If he left me, that was it. What on earth would I do when my whole life revolved around him?

I've been so angry. I've done everything for him, and he was so willing to throw it all away for some other girl. I can probably count on one hand how many times he has sincerely thanked me for everything I've done. And as soon as another girl comes along, it all means nothing. I WASTED so much time and money on someone who just. doesn't. care.

I felt abandoned when he decided to hang out with some other girl. And I freaked out on him. And this happened more then once. I held out hope that he would come around and realize that I'm awesome, but that's not the case. So last night I made the very hard to decision to take a break from my life as I've known it for the past 6 years. I don't like the person I was becoming....the jealous, insecure, angry, constantly sad and unsure version of me that did nothing but make me tired. I was losing myself.

So I'm taking care of me now. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and my heart already feels a bit better.

And I feel really free. Like maybe my real life is finally going to begin.

Turning 27 in Vegas

2011-08-30T15:34:00.000-07:00

Geeze, where have I been. Poor, neglected bloggity blog.

Well let's see....I've been in Vegas for a while, turning 27 and whatnot.

TWENTY SEVEN.

I am 27 years old, and it's fuh-reaking me out. But not really, because I've always felt for my entire life, that when I was 27 great things were going to happen. I'm excited.

And Vegas was awesome. I love that place, and I don't know why. It's dirty and hot and dirty and DIRTY, but it has palm trees and constant music and lights and it's just sooo different from Utah. Maybe that's what I like about it. The grass is always greener, right?

I ate lots of food, saw Flavor Flav and Ron Jeremy....which are pretty much the most random celebs I think I could ever hope to run in to......and I had a great, great time. I want to go back right now. Real life it not as fun as vacation life.

Now some Vegas pics because I'm tired and out of words.

Missoni for Target

2011-08-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

Not to sound like a crazy person or anything, but I'm pretty sure I would kill people for the Missoni teacups and saucers once they hit Target stores. Like, straight up murda'.

And I will seriously cut someone for this bike.

Except I totally wouldn't do either of those violent things because blood makes me pass out, and I probably wouldn't be allowed to use my teacups or new bike in prison, so that would totally defeat the purpose.

But my gosh, for cute.

WTF Celebrity Crush ~ Bill Pullman

2011-08-09T10:40:00.000-07:00

I was actually reminded of this WTF crush forever ago by a Busy Bee Lauren post. At least I know I'm not the only one with a love of Bill.
I mean, he's okay looking.

And he's funny, seeing as how he was in Spaceballs and everything. And apparently he was in a Broadway play in which he was in love with a goat. I mean, that's random, and I loves me some randomness.

I especially loved him in While You Were Sleeping and Independence Day. You know how old I was when those movies came out? 11 and 12, respectively. You know how old he was? 42 and 43.

This crush is WTF because why was I, at such a tender young age, in love with such an old man? I do not know. I mean, for heaven's sake, he tucked his shirt in all the time, which is like a requirement for receiving an AARP newsletter.

I've always like older men I suppose, but this is ridiculous. He's older then both my parents. And he's just so..........meh. He has a pretty common face. He looks like a lot of other guys, like this guy....

While searching Google images for Bill Pullman this pic popped up. It was tagged as Bill Pullman. That's how common his face is, he has been mistaken for the guy from Dumb and Dumber and Arachnophobia.

And if we go farther down the rabbit hole of common males, you see that Jeff Daniels looks like Uncle Joey....

And a president...

So ergo, Bill Pullman ALSO looks like those people. Plus Bill looks like a presidential candidate...

AND this dude from Batman who was some kind of district attorney or something before he maybe became two face?.....

THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. And apparently they could ALL BE PRESIDENT or something else government-y. They have what I now will refer to as a government schnoz. And just to tie Dave Coulier in, they also all could have had a song written about them by Alanis Morisette. Weird factoid, right?

This could probably go on and on and on and on. So I have no idea why I picked to love Bill Pullman specifically when there are about a billion other Bill Pullman-esque people out there.

Maybe because he was in Casper with Devon Sawa, who was suppose to be the heartthrob, but I thought he looked like my brother so ewwwww.....and I have to have some kind of eye candy in most movies I watch? And besides the ghosts he was really my only other option?

We may never know.

A Story About Waterparks and Body Acceptance

2011-07-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

Until about a year ago my favorite season was fall. I liked the colors of the season, the smells, the weather change and the clothing change that came along with it. I liked being able to wear layers, hoodies, jackets, sweaters, anything covering. Why?

Because I don't like my body. I never have, and I don't know that I ever will.

For that reason alone I hated summer. It's too hot to wear layers, and all those things that are fun about dressing for the summer....bathing suits, shorts, tank tops, summer dresses.......I couldn't wear. So that also meant summery things, like swimming, going to the amusement park, going to the waterpark....they were all out for me as well. I spent my summers in jeans and tshirts, watching others go swimming while I sat on the sideline. I missed out on a lot of normal kid things I think because I was so ashamed of myself and I worried so much about what other people thought of me and my body. I never went to a waterpark really before last year. I'm not the best swimmer, so I was scared of you know...drowning. More so though, I was scared of other people seeing me in a swimming suit.

Ridiculous, right?

Last year though, everything changed when I nearly lost my damn mind. In an instant my entire life was turned upside down, and I thought I would never again be normal. I would never be able to drive a car, go to work, travel, go to the movies, or even just leave my house. It was, by all accounts, the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Or so I thought. Anxiety sucks.....my gosh does it suck....but it also changed my way of thinking for the better. I realized life is too short to be scared. In a moment everything can change, so I have to live for now. I could wake up paralyzed tomorrow or die 5 minutes from now. In that case, would it REALLY matter that a bunch of strangers saw me in my bathing suit?

I became determined last summer not to let anxiety rule me. I overcame a lot of things that I was scared of, including waterslides and what other people may think about me. I put on my swimming suit and I went to the waterpark, and I rode every damn slide without thinking twice about what anyone was thinking about the cellulite on my thighs or the flab under my arms. I went to Vegas and walked around the pool, past the girls lounging in their tiny bikinis, to get to the waterslide. The thoughts that had plagued me my entire life, the "oh my gosh I look so fat......those girls must think I'm a whale.....I am so embarrassed......" they never popped into my mind. Not once.

I just don't care anymore. I don't care what anyone thinks. I'm going to live my life the way I want to. I'm going to do what I want to do, dress how I want to dress, and I'm not going to let others get to me anymore.

I'm going to go to the waterpark every other day if I want to. I'm going to go to the amusement park and ride all the rides, while wearing SHORTS. You heard me, shorts. My legs are now free to see the sun, to breathe, and to kick ass.

I am obsessed now with the waterpark. It's fun of course, but it's so much more then that to me. It's a symbol of everything I've overcome, the acceptance I now have for me and my body, and the steps I'm taking towards making my life the best life I could possibly have.

Summer is now, and I think will forever be, my favorite season.

Photo Dump

2011-07-06T16:00:00.000-07:00

Hey, it's me. I've been lacking motivation lately for everything, including blogging. It doesn't help that my life has been super boring as of late. But I'll be back soon with actual posts about dating and cupcakes and more waterparks and my new love of wearing shorts. (My legs can breathe!! No wonder shorts are so popular in the summer time....)

Until then, some random photos.

This biotch of a bug bit me, and it hurt like the dickens. What a jerk.

Liberty Park

Gross little octopus at Chinese Gourmet. I didn't let Trey eat it because I knew I would vomit if he did.

First waterpark trip this summer!

Trey and I after sliding down some slides and being lazy in the lazy river.

Fireworks on the 4th. The mailbox was in my way, but I was too sore from waterpark good times to move. Seriously, I pulled my quadricep. I'm getting old apparently.

One Day

2011-06-24T12:14:00.000-07:00

I want so badly to be inspiring. To be something of worth, something to look up to.

I'd also like to be rich. Really, really rich.

Thanks.

I Hate The Bus

2011-06-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

So I'm a police dispatcher, and it's pretty dang awesome. I really like my job. Love it, in fact. Some of the people I work with though I could do without, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, my job has now decided that not only should I be a police dispatcher, but I should be a BUS dispatcher as well. Yeah, I don't get it either.

So for my new bus dispatcher training, I have to RIDE THE BUS. I've never ridden the bus before, and there's a very good reason for that.

I have a car.

But also, dispatching police for public transit has opened mine eyes to the kinds of people that use our fine system. Basically, it's mostly people that I don't want to be around. I have avoided the bus like the plague. But now, now I'm being FORCED to ride it, and I'm not happy.

Saturday was my first day, and it was everything I dreaded it would be and more. Getting hit on by creepers, (including bus drivers), a dude puking in a big gulp cup while sitting next to me, a toddler crapping her pantaloons and stinking up the whole place, a guy removing his shoes to air out his hideous, crusty, black toenailed feet, a guy with pus filled boils on the back of his neck sitting directly in front of me, and a dude wearing socks with sandals. SOCKS WITH SANDALS!!!!!!!!

It was awful, and I almost cried. That's not even an exaggeration. The whole time I thought about an It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode where Dee rides the bus. My experience was basically like hers.

And here's a video for reference. (WARNING, foul language. And foul people. Viewer discretion is advised. Suckas.)

I hate the bus.

Vegas!!!!

2011-05-29T14:16:00.000-07:00

I flew to Vegas and not ONCE did I freak out.

Hallelujah.

And now I remember that yes, I DO like to fly. And anxiety ISN'T going to ruin my life. Yay for that. And for Vegas. And Rammstein.

Afraid to Fly

2011-05-20T15:16:00.000-07:00

I'm going on vacation tomorrow, which should be exciting.

It's not though.

I am terrified right now of getting on the plane. TERRIFIED. I've never loved flying, it has always made me a little bit nervous, but it wasn't ever a big deal.

I mean look, here I am in high school, on a plane, being totally happy and NOT AT ALL crazy.

And again, in the cock pit of the plane, totally not freaking out......

Now though I don't know that I can handle it. I'm not scared of the plane crashing or anything like that, I'm scared that I'm going to have a panic attack and do something completely embarrassing. Like try and open the emergency exit, or run up and down the aisle screaming.

It seems silly, but it's a very real fear at the moment. When I have a severe panic attack I tend to lose all reason and I can't rationalize anything. I had a panic attack once because whilst I was talking I jumbled some words together and instead of realizing that I just talk too fast sometimes, I thought I was having a stroke. Seriously. I didn't think it actually, I KNEW I was having a stroke. Luckily my friend is not crazy and wouldn't listen to me when I tried to convince him to take me to the hospital because I was about to die. Or so I thought.

It's ridiculous. People get on planes everyday and the vast majority of them never think twice about it. People get excited for vacations, not terrified. I use to be one of those people, and I think that's the most upsetting part. I use to be able to do lots of things, and now a lot of those things are a constant battle to get through. I understand now why some people with severe anxiety and panic never leave their homes. It's just so much easier to go about it that way, never having to worry about feeling that anxiety or actually having an attack out in public.

But that's not the way to live life.

I am going to Vegas to see Rammstein. Yes, RAMMSTEIN. The angry German band that had like one super hit song when I was in 7th grade. I'm super excited. I'm going to see a Cirque show, which always makes me happy. I'm going to go swimming and eat lots of good food and do lots of people watching and get away from the awful Utah weather.

It's an hour and a half flight, which is nothing when you consider I sit at my desk for 10 hours a day. It shouldn't be that hard, right?

Any helpful suggestions? Are you scared of flying? Any fun plane type pictures you want to share?? I need help people!!!

{1st image via WeHeartIt}

Dapper Day

2011-05-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

I'm sad I missed Dapper Day this year at Disneyland, but I am definitely going next time they have it.

Going to Disneyland dressed like an extra on Mad Men? With other people also dapperly dressed? Yes please!!

More info here.

What I've Been Up To

2011-05-10T15:52:00.000-07:00

Cinco de X show featuring Flogging Molly.......

And me, meeting Nathen Maxwell who kept calling me Featherlocks. Win.

Hollywood Undead.....

Breakfast at Finn's Cafe....

Dogsitting Doug.....

Trying new Japanese food, including squid......

And hanging out with Trey, who looks like he did when he is elementary school.....minus the beard and smoking part.

Online Dating is Redonkulous

2011-04-26T14:13:00.000-07:00

This is how I feel about dating. Blech.

So yes, I belong to a dating site. I'm not happy about it, but after prodding by many a friend, I caved in and joined. I like people and I like meeting new people so really, I figured it wouldn't be that bad. I have friends that have had success, so why not?

Why not indeed.

Some of the screen names that have contacted me include.....

flawless_felon420

PervySkervy

juggalo4lyffe

Clowner

I hate clowns. Seriously. Anyway.....not everyone who has contacted me online is a psycho, though really 97% of my suitors have in fact been creeptastic.

Single father of 2 who comes right out the gate asking me inappropriate questions about my sex life once we get to the restaurant? Check.

Guy who seems perfectly normal and nice until we go on a date and it turns out that he is OBSESSED with guns and wants me to go gun shopping with him right then? Check.

Guy who asked me to start thinking about engagement rings after our second date? Checkity-check.

Needy man who texts me 2 minutes after his last text, berating me for not answering him in a timely manner, because apparently that means I don't care and I've found someone else and I'm a jerk of a woman? Cheeeeeeck.

Loser that asked me if I could sneak in through his window so his parents wouldn't know he had a girl over? Ugh. Check.

Jerk that asked me if I knew where to get weed? Check.

It says right in my profile I work for the police. Apparently everyone contacting me is an illiterate criminal psychopath.

There is one very nice guy who I have yet to meet, but have been texting for quite a while. He's nerdy, likes video games, The IT Crowd, and he works for an airline so he basically spends his days off traveling. He seems awesome, but I'm wary. I swear to you there are no normal men in the world. They're all married already or don't live anywhere near me.

Heaven help me. I'm starting to think being alone forever is totally not a bad thing, despite what everyone I know says.

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T11:03:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter ya'll!!!

I am the Picasso of egg coloring....

I hope you have a lovely day full of eggs and chocolate and funeral potatoes for my Utah peeps. Oh, and peeps. I love peeps.

Sushi

2011-04-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

Oh sushi......

I try to love you, and I remember once upon a time when I did, but now......you just taste like the ocean. And fishy fish. And you have odd textures. Thus I can no longer eat you, and it makes me sad.

Because gosh, you sure are pretty.

Oh Hai Blog

2011-04-13T18:38:00.000-07:00

Surprise!! I'm totally still alive.

I have things to write about, like ridiculous dates with ridiculous boys and all around ridiculous happenings. My life as of late has become completely crazy....who knew dating would be so time consuming and tiring? And stressful? I've never really done this before, so bear with me.

I'm too tired to really blog, so for now enjoy this pic from Natalie Dee. Basically this is how I feel everyday at lunch.

I really need to learn how to cook.

My Rational Side

2011-04-06T10:17:00.000-07:00

Dearest Me,

Good Lord, what is your problem? Stop. Just stop.

Stop crying. Stop whining. Stop being mopey, dreary, and lame. Stop playing sad songs on your ipod while gazing woefully out the window whilst pretending that you're in a music video. Stop being melodramatic. I mean, you're acting like a damn teenager and it's embarrassing me/you/us. Stop being so gosh darn hysterical. Stop, for the love of everything, please stop trying to change things.

You can't change it. You can't make someone love you no matter how hard you try. It doesn't work that way. You also can't magically snap your fingers and make your feelings go away. That would be awesome, but it's not possible. This will take time. Lots and lots of time. This love thing didn't happen overnight, so why should the moving on part? I know it feels like you're being repeatedly kicked in the heart and guts by a mutant ostrich, but you'll live. Unless you really were being kicked repeatedly by a mutant ostrich, in which case you probably would die.....unless you somehow got behind him. They can only kick forward you know. But in the case of a mutant one...well I don't know. They can probably kick in any direction.

ANYWAY.

Take this time to concentrate on you. Fix you. Do everything you've wanted to do, change the things you can, and make yourself a better person for that better person who is bound to come along and sweep you off your feet one day. Hopefully. Or at least that better person who will take you out to dinner and PAY for it. That would be nice. And it will happen, I promise.

I mean honestly, you know he's not worth it, right? Deep down inside, far away from your heart that is stupid and doesn't know what the hell it's doing half the time, you know that he's not good enough for you. You also know that it's not the other way around, so stop telling yourself that it's you that is inadequate.

You'll be okay.

In fact, you'll be BETTER then okay. You'll be brilliant, awesome, happy, and loved.

{Que Music}

Love,
Your (Semi)Rational Side

Update

2011-04-04T09:37:00.000-07:00

Heart = Broken.

Anxiety = Out of Control.

Sleep = Nonexistent.

Work = Frustrating.

Panic = Too Much, Too Often.

Me = Super, Duper Emo Right Now.

Holi 2011

2011-03-28T12:32:00.000-07:00

Some pictures from the awesome Holi Festival in Spanish Fork.

Seriously, this festival is probably one of the highlights of my year. I've had a craptastic couple of weeks involving hospitals and stupid boys and dating misadventures and lots of other nonsense, but Holi managed to put a smile on my face.

After the festival I celebrated Becki's 26th birthday at her friend's apartment. They even made her a birthday cake.

So awesome. It was a good weekend f'reals.

Screw You Dating

2011-03-22T20:31:00.000-07:00

So I did something I've never, EVER done before.

My date night attire.

I met someone from the interwebs. For a date. And I was deathly afraid that I was going to get chopped into little pieces or turned into a lampshade or something. Luckily neither of those things happened, but they may as well have, because the whole thing was weird, freaky, creepy, weird, and mostly creepy. And weird.

I can't believe I even decided to go out with anyone from the internet, but I have many a friend whom have had good luck dating someone from the world wide web. I mean my really good friend is marrying a dude she met on MySpace like 4 years ago! I was wary, because if you remember this is a pretty good archetype of the typical guy who decides to message me on the internet.....

Yikes.

Anyway.....I thought things would be okay with this guy. We actually went to school together....though I don't remember him.....we know some of the same people from SLCC, and he seemed nice. He also looked cute in his pic, which is a plus.

We met in a public place, I text my friend and told her where I was going and the name of the guy in case I came up missing, and I had mace on me. So basically it was looking like it was going to be a normal date. For me anyway. I attract creepers/psychos like you wouldn't believe.

This time wasn't any different.

First off, his picture didn't look ANYTHING like him. It was a completely different person, I'm sure of it. You can't tell me you're 6'2 and you're a lacrosse player, and then show up being all of 5'3 and look like I could break you in half with my pinkie. Strike #1.

I tried not to let that get to me and decided that I was already there and I wanted some coffee and cake pops so I was going to suck it up for a half hour or so. Then I would never have to see him again.

Strike #2, he immediately began peppering the conversation with words such as "boo" and "baby girl". I NEVER want to be called either of those things, thank you very much. Plus right now he's not the only creepy guy in my life calling me those things. BLECH.

Strike #3, about 5 minutes into the "date" he decided that him getting all gropey and handsy was totally what I wanted at that moment. In a coffee shop. A CROWDED coffee shop. A crowded coffee shop full of a bunch of teenagers on some kind of group date who all had ordered hot chocolate. Their poor innocent eyes!

Not to mention the fact that oh yeah, I HAD JUST MET HIM 5 MINS PRIOR.

I'm not that kinda gal, thanks.

So I hella turned into some kind of windmill.....my arms just circled round and round hitting his seemingly eight hands outta my space, and then I got up and said it had been real, (I really said that, and I don't know why or where that came from. Or what it even means....), and I left. Running with cake pop and cappuccino in hand.

He's been texting me since that ill fated evening. Inappropriate things mind you.

The only good thing that came of all this is that I can check something off my 26 Before 27 List.

~~10. Go on a real life, actual date.~~

So maybe it wasn't a REAL date, but I'm counting it because that's what it was suppose to be before Gropey McHands got all up in my bubble. Plus I don't think I'm going to go on any kind of "date" for a while now, at least until I recover from this totally horrible dating escapade.

Dating is so, so lame. All the fish left in the sea I live near are either total creepers/totally lame/old/have bad grammar/don't know how to dress/don't have a job/don't have a car/or are TOTAL CREEPERS.

I'm going to be a spinster. F'reals.

Bowling Ikea

2011-03-15T16:49:00.000-07:00

First off, I'm an idiot and broke my blog buttons, so if you had one you'll have to get it again. It's fixed now. I totally forgot about the whole breaking links thing when you mess with photobucket.

Anyway.

This weekend consisted of bowling......

Ikea......

And a really intense, no holds barred conversation about really inappropriate things with my best friend. We also talked about that time I went crazy and how awful it was. It was really, really awful, but we also discussed how it all kind of worked out for the best so perhaps it happened for a reason.

I luv mah friends.

30 Photos

2011-03-08T14:46:00.000-08:00

You know how this goes. So without further ado..........

1. Someone you spend a lot of time with:

2. A picture of you:

3. A random picture of you and your sig. other:

4. A picture of something that makes you happy:

5. An old picture of you: Me at Senior Ball in high school doing who knows what.

6. A picture of your sibling: My gamer, comic book nerdy brother Aaron. He is the coolest.

7. A picture you never posted on your blog before: Kanye West interrupting my friend Erik's karaoke-ing.

8. A picture of a person you miss: Meggie, it'll be 8 years on the 11th of this month since she passed away.

9. A picture of people who know you now and then: Hannah, Alina, and I in junior high, high school, high school again, and now...

10. A picture of your favorite place:

11. A picture of someone you can tell everything to: My momma.

12. A picture of your everyday life:

13. A picture from a place you love:

14. A picture that reminds you of great times:

15. A picture from work:

16. A picture from the best day of your life:

17. A picture that always makes you laugh: I'm so pretty, the college years...

18. A picture of your spare time:

19. A picture from a great night:

20. A picture of the people who are closest to you:

21. A picture of someone you always have a good time with:

22. A picture of your closest friend of the opposite sex (not your significant other):

23. A picture from last summer:

24. A fun photo:

25. A picture of you on a favorite vacation:

26. A picture you enjoy: With Dennis Casey from Flogging Molly!

27. A picture that makes you happy:

28. A random picture from photobooth:

29. A photo that makes you smile:

30. Someone you will never let go of:

Weekend Photos

2011-03-07T12:49:00.000-08:00

Spent Friday night at The Woodshed watching Trey's band The Elephant Riders perform.

Then Saturday was spent at Tepanyaki, where I totally have a crush on a particular chef. Which by the way, he has NEVER been our chef out of the million of times we've been there.

I did take a stalker pic of him though, because sometimes I'm a creep. It's the guy in the black hat. Le sigh.

And this also marks another thing off my 26 Before 27 List.......

~~22. Develop a crush on a complete stranger.~~

Anyway. Then we went to Barnes and Noble so I could buy some books.

And I spent Sunday listening to records and napping. Awesomeness.

Awesomely Awarded

2011-03-05T13:50:00.000-08:00

So I got this fantastic award from Pink Hibiscus over at Daiquiris and Denial, which is a great blog by the way. Super great. Seriously, check it out, you'll love it. She's Irish!!!! And thus, I am jealous. I've always wanted to go to Ireland.

Anyway, the award....

Wha?!?!?!

Now honestly, I think I do dress pretty well. Or I guess different. I dress pretty differently then most people I know, which is fine by me. I don't know that I'm stylish persay, but it's all in the eye of the beholder right? And my eye beholds me as stylish, and that's all that matters. And apparently Pink Hibiscus agrees, so it's obviously true.

I mean, look at me!!

Awesome. That's me, in high school, with my friend Hannah's butt getting all up in my photo.

Anyway. I'm going to try and get better at taking actual outfit photos once I get a nice camera with some kind of tripod, or when I get a friend to help me take pictures. Because sometimes I do dress pretty okay.

Thanks for the award my dear, I am thrilled!!!!!

The Crazy Ones

2011-03-02T17:27:00.000-08:00

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

—Jack Kerouac

WTF Celebrity Crush ~ Chris Kirkpatrick

2011-02-27T15:47:00.000-08:00

I really have no reasonable explanation for this one.

Why oh why did every boyband think this was an awesome pose? I don't want to get choked and have you crush my larynx, thanks.

I don't know if it was my love of Howie that turned me into a lover of the underdog, but I think I liked Chris Kirkpatrick simply because no one else did. I mean, it certainly wasn't because of his pineapple hair or his super un-manly singing voice, that's for sure. Maybe I felt bad for him, so it was a sympathy crush? But then why didn't I like Joey Fatone, because he was also totally not crush-able? I just don't know what I was thinking.

I just know that I decided I liked him after going to an N'Sync concert and he sang The Jackson 5's ABC. I thought that was cute? I don't know. I was 14. Tweens are weird and they like weird things. Like Justin Bieber and Chris Kirkpatrick.

And in my defense, this crush lasted like a nanosecond. I think it was over by the time I left the N'Sync concert.

Nowadays he's been in some reality shows like the trainwreck that was "Mission Manband", and he looks like this.....

Like that weird guy that's always at the bar with his much cooler friends, and they all make fun of him to his face but he doesn't think anything of it because guys always pick on each other.....except they also make fun of him behind his back.

I wonder if that's how it was in N'Sync?

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I think I shouldn't blog whilst on painkillers.

To sum up, this crush was ridiculous. Definitely WTF.

Messy Hair

2011-02-25T20:18:00.000-08:00

You know I do.

Awesome Messy Hair print from funnelcloud. I love it AND the eat more cheese one. Both are so true to my life.

I promise I'll have a more substantial post soon, but my back is hurty and I have to be to work at 5am so I'm an all around crabmonster. Blech.

A Very Merry Half Birthday, to ME! Oh, and about my surgery......

2011-02-23T14:52:00.000-08:00

It's my half birthday and I am officially 26 1/2 years old.

Say what?

I really have no idea how, when, or why I gots to be so old! I mean, I'm staring down the barrel of the late 20s gun, and it's fuhreaking me out. Before you know it I'll be 30.

30!!!!!

Goodness.

Anyway, my surgery yesterday went well. In sticking with the "I'm getting old" theme, I have the kidneys of an old person. They like to make stones all the freaking time (thanks Mom for the crap kidney genes!), and they suck. They are super, super painful, in fact I've talked to someone who has given birth naturally to multiple children and she said she would much rather have 80 more kids then one more kidney stone.

A reenactment drawing......

So one of those evil little stones got stuck, and it was messing everything up so it had to be removed. I was put out so the surgery itself wasn't a big deal, but the worst part was the fact that I have horrible veins (thanks again Mom!!), so I got stuck multiple times by the nurse trying to get a vein for my IV. And I hate needles, so that experience was totally not cool.

So I'm celebrating my half birthday by watching reruns of Intervention while I'm doped up on painkillers.

Good times indeed.

Sir Gerry

2011-02-22T09:55:00.000-08:00

I'm having surgery today, and I am not happy.

I really, REALLY don't want to do this. Really. I hate the idea of surgery.

But I have to do it, and I hate that too.

Hopefully though it will fix everything and I'll start feeling better, because most of all I HATE being sick.

Wish me luck.

Milkmaid Braid

2011-02-21T00:44:00.000-08:00

I totally hopped on the milkmaid braid bandwagon yesterday....

And I liked it.

Happy Monday!

Ke$ha

2011-02-20T12:44:00.000-08:00

I went to the Ke$ha concert Friday night, because we all know how much I love her, and it. was. AWESOME. (even though I was stuck behind a pole AND the spotlight. there were way too many people and not enough room for us all.)

Becki and I, in awe of all the glitter and the overall awesomeness of the concert. It was by far one of the most entertaining shows I've been to. And actually I have no idea what was going on in this photo, but I love it.

And hells yes, there WAS glitter on the floor.

Oh and one reason I love Kesha? She gives me hope that one day I too, may be super hot and awesome.

Holy change Batman!

{Image via love jenny xoxo}

Weight loss is kinda hard....

2011-02-17T17:02:00.000-08:00

So I'm currently in the process of losing weight and more importantly, becoming healthier, but geeze kids......it's hard.

No shocker there, and it being hard is exactly why I've given up this weight loss thing the last umpteenth-millionish times that I've tried to do it. And believe me, I have tried everything, even the not so healthy things and even the REALLY RIDICULOUSLY not so healthy things.

Nothing I tried worked. Another shocker, I know. So this time I'm trying to do it the right way, the healthy way, the natural way....the way that it is suppose to be done per everyone in the world who actually knows anything about weight loss. But it's hard and it takes forever. That's my biggest issue, the non-immediate results. I want everything now. I want to be better now. I want to shop in cute clothing stores and not hate myself NOW.

I also have a horrible rebel mentality so anything anyone tells me to do, even if I'm the one telling myself to do it, I automatically take the stance of no. No way. I'm going to do the exact opposite. You can't tell me what I can and can't do.

Tell me I can't have chocolate or ice cream or donuts or that I have to workout, and the only thing that will then sound appealing to me will be sitting on my behind eating chocolate covered ice cream donuts.

Change is hard.

But by golly, so far I've lost over 10 pounds, which is a great start I think.

So I'm doing it this time, for real. I'm changing one pound at a time.

So shall it be written, so shall it be done.

{Image via Threadless, and I totally bought

the cute shirt this photo is from.

I'ma wear it when I work out!}

Happy VD!!

2011-02-14T13:50:00.000-08:00

Yay Valentine's Day.

I guess.

As someone who is perpetually single, this is not my most favorite of holidays. Though I guess it's not my most least favorite either.....that honor goes to Labor Day. I'll be damned if some holiday is going to tell me when I have to stop wearing white.

So in lieu of the flowers, chocolates, and the all around lovey dovey-ness I won't be getting today, here's some valentine's thoughts.

All images via Someecards.

And a cute quote to end all this bitter jadedness.....

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

~ Dr. Seuss

Someday I'll find my other weird half. Hopefully.

Who do you think you are?

2011-02-09T17:02:00.000-08:00

Love this song.

Inspired

2011-01-31T13:00:00.000-08:00

I have very little motivation to blog at the moment, but hopefully soon I'll be out of this funk I've been in for the past week. And HOPEFULLY I'll stop being so damn emo about my whole boy situation. Blech.

So in lieu of an actual post, here's some inspiration.....

Love them.

And I love, love, LOVE him.

Fitness isn't really my thing, but I'm trying to change that.

2011-01-25T07:27:00.000-08:00

I'm trying really, really hard to get a fitness/weight loss routine going. So far, I'm actually doing really well considering all the weight I've put on since high school and my total love of food and being lazy.

I've started going to the gym everyday after work. It's pretty convenient that we have a gym at work, because I know that as soon as I got into my car to drive to a different gym I would rationalize all the other things I could be doing and then would stop by Cafe Rio and get a chicken salad instead of working out.

I've also started doing workouts at home. I'm becoming a fan of Exercise TV On Demand because then I can pick whatever I want....which is usually something with Billy Blanks Jr in it. His workouts are a tad cheesy, but he seems so nice and has pretty eyes, so you can't go wrong. He's also slightly dance-y, so that's a plus. The first workout of his I did I almost died, and that's not even really an exaggeration. There was even an older lady, maybe mid 60s, in the video and I couldn't even keep up with her! Not cool kids, not cool.

I also signed up to be a Beachbody coach, which when looking at me "beach body" is probably the last term that comes to mind......but hey, I get awesome discounts on fitness videos, supplements, these delicious shakeology shakes, and other fitness related nonsense.

My first purchase was the Turbo Jam package, which is totally kicking my trash in a good way.

And this is just another thing I can check off my 26 Before 27 List, which is awesome.

~~11. Get some kind of workout/fitness thing going for real.~~

Not to be a used car salesman or anything, but if you are interested in buying some Beachbody stuff, you can do so from me!! You can also become a coach and save 25% on any purchases you make.

My Beachbody website..........and my Shakeology website.......

Hurrah fitness.

January 23rd

2011-01-24T01:40:00.000-08:00

Things were going so well.

The boy is ruining my life again, and it's because I keep letting him, and I know that. It's just too hard to let go, you know? How does one even begin to do that after so many, many, many years? How do I cut out someone who has been such a huge part of my life for the last 10 years?

Apparently he's found someone better.

And the irony of it all falling apart on January 23rd is not lost on me. It was exactly 3 years to the day that the madness began....that I was led to believe that this toxic relationship was going to be more then it ever was or apparently, was ever meant to be. January 23, 2008 was when this shit all became really real, and really screwed up. My friend Brittanie and I use to have a theory about the number 3 based on all the love songs out there that mention being in a relationship for 3 years. Either at that point things are going the distance, or the whole thing is going to shit. If you make it to 3 years and you're still going strong....well then things are meant to be. Brittanie and I even celebrated our 3 year friendship anniversary because it meant that we were going to be lifelong friends. Music doesn't lie, so it must be so.

3 years later the boy has now decided apparently our relationship is going to shit.

So here I am again, wondering what went wrong and more so then that, wondering why am I not good enough?

I want to scream that at complete strangers, friends, family, animals, inanimate objects....I need an answer.

Why on earth am I not good enough?

I hate that feeling when your heart drops to the bottom of your stomach, where it then proceeds to break into about a million pieces. Right now I don't know whether I want to throw up, cry, or karate kick a dude in the neck. Because right now, guys, dudes...they all seem the same to me. And I'm not a fan of any of them. Except Johnny Depp of course.

I'm in a weird place too.....I feel like I'm getting too old for this nonsense. That I only have this one life that I'm losing, sitting around hoping that one day he's going to realize that I'm basically the coolest person he'll ever know. It's just barely hitting me that maybe he'll never realize that, and I've wasted so much time hoping and knowing that somehow, he just had to figure it out. That he would figure it out eventually, and I would be here when he did.

But I don't have time for that. I'm not getting any younger and my gosh I gave him my entire early 20s. That's just not right, nor is it fair. I wish I could go back in time and slap 20 year old me straight in the face and tell me to move on. That all the wishing, praying, waiting, and being nice in hopes that that would win his heart would all be completely worthless. It means nothing to him, and I have nothing to show for it.

Screw you male population, I'm so tired of you and your nonsense.

I need a boy vacation, and some ice cream and cheesy movies for my melodramatic, broken heart.

Busy Weekend

2011-01-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

This weekend I got my first pedicure ever. I have a feet thing.....basically I hate them. I don't want to touch anyone's feet, and I don't anyone touching mine. And feet touching feet? GAGABARFPUKE.

So gross. But my friends dragged me to the salon and I did it. I let some lady touch my feet. And I kinda liked it.

I liked it so much, I might in fact go again and get another one at some point in my life. After that I went and saw a high school buddy Joe play at Club Vegas.

Afterwards we went to dinner and he told me a story so hilarious that I snorted. I never do that, and it wasn't cool. We also talked about how we went to the Halloween dance together senior year of high school. We were crayons, and it was awesome.

Joe and I are the grey crayons in the front. I have no idea why Batman and Catwoman were with us, but that's okay.

Then yesterday we threw my friend Hannah a baby shower.....

The babies we had people make.....it was fairly hilarious.

Hannah all pregnant and whatnot, and me....all awesome and whatnot.

The baby shower throwers and Miss Hannah.

I ended last night in my brother's hotel down the street so my friends and I could go swimming and have free breakfast, which we totally missed this morning because I could not wake up. Boo.

So far it's been an awesome weekend. Now I just need to find something to do tonight.....

Happy Sunday kiddos!

Kelli Murray is Awesome

2011-01-21T09:42:00.000-08:00

Can I tell you how in love I am with Kelli Murray's Art??

I am so, so in love. I want one of everything please.

She is so freaking talented PLUS she dresses like I wish I could.....I totally want to be her when I grow up.

You can check out Kelli's site and blog here, and her store here.

Epic

2011-01-16T19:08:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to make this my mantra for 2011......

And I've started by taking a picture with a weird cat statue in a park in one of the scariest neighborhoods in the Salt Lake Valley.

AND I'm wearing leg warmers over my pants. Epic.

So far I think I'm doing pretty well with my 2011 mantra. Win and win.

One Year Later......

2011-01-09T12:58:00.000-08:00

One year ago today, this happened.

I thought I was going to die. I thought I had lost my mind. I thought that I was going to have to quit my job, stop seeing my friends, stop living my life. I thought I was going to be insitutionalized. I thought my life was completely over and I would never, ever again be normal.

I thought I wouldn't survive one more year, one more month, one more day, one more second.....

But here I am, one year later, groping Ron Weasley at a party store with my friends in tow.

Which means I'm back to normal. For the most part. I still have days where my anxiety is ridiculous, but I am so, so much better then I was. So on this, my one year "going crazy/nervous breakdown" anniversary, I feel very blessed to be as normal, healthy, and un-crazy as I am.

Eleventy

2011-01-03T15:44:00.000-08:00

So it's a new year, which is great. 2010 was a bit of a downer in my neck of the woods, as I'm sure you're all aware. This year I was going to make a list of resolutions....ya know, like every other person in the universe right now, but I'm not very good at keeping my resolutions. I don't like basically setting myself up for failure, so I'm not resoluting(?) anything this year.

My main goal is to be happy. I'm going to be happy dangit, no matter what.

And I have my 26 Before 27 List going, so I think that makes up for the lack of New Years Resolutions that I won't keep. The list though, I will do. I promise. In fact, I've done quite a bit of it already......

1. Get over my newfound fear of flying. I've never been scared to fly before, but now I'm petrified that I'll have a panic attack on a plane. I'm trapped there, I can't escape, and that's what scares me most. Plus I can't imagine anything more embarrassing then having a freak out on a plane. I don't want to scare anyone or get TSA all up in my bizniss.
~~2. Go to the beach.~~
3. Learn how to do something crafty. Sew, crochet, knit, just something.
4. Make an entire meal, all by myself. Dessert and everything included.
5. Get my car, laptop, and my dang loans paid off.
~~6. Buy and wear a dress. In public. Lets throw heels in there too, though not necessarily with the dress. Just heels at some point.~~
7. Go visit Erik and Kari after they move to North Carolina. Or at least get it planned out and paid for. Of course the flying goal has to come first, I'm hella not driving to NC.
~~8. Eat at the Blue Plate Diner. That should be an easy one, but I've said for years now I'm going to try it and I've never gotten around to it.~~
~~9. Go to a haunted house/cornmaze and not freak out. That's another new fear that I didn't use to have that I need to get over stat. I've always loved haunted houses.~~
10. Go on a real life, actual date.
11. Get some kind of workout/fitness thing going for real. Maybe take some classes or something at the fitness center.
~~12. Go to a concert and be in the pit, the midst of everything, again without freaking out. Oh these new fears are so crazy stupid, but so crazy real.~~
13. Learn how to make my Grandma's English Pancakes. They're basically crepes, but better.
14. Start a savings account that actually has money in it.
~~15. Go to Disneyland/Seaworld/Universal Studios/something awesome that isn't in Utah.~~
16. Hold hands with a boy. Silly yes, but very much needed.
17. Start getting ready and take care of myself like I use to. Fashion and the like have taken a backseat in the last year, but I need to get back to dressing how I want and feeling good about it.
18. Take better care of my hair, and get it to grow out. I want long luxurious locks dangit!
~~19. Go to a play, or musical, or something artsy.~~
~~20. Plan a road trip with my friends. Then you know, go on said roadtrip.~~
21. Work at Kilby again. It's been far too long.
22. Develop a crush on a complete stranger.
23. Start a scrapbook.
24. Go camping.
25. Spend more weekends out doing things rather then spending the night at home being boring.
26. Get my anxiety nonsense under control.

Huzzah.

I also set my alarm to make sure I didn't miss 11:11 on 1/1/11 so I could make a really hardcore wish for nothing but good things this year. I'm superstitious every once in a while, especially in moments of desperation.So hopefully, that whole wishing thing turns out. If it doesn't happen on it's own accord, I guess I'll just have to force it to happen.

And don't you forget it.

So, yeah. That's all. I don't really know how to end this entry, it's rather weird and rambli-ous. I just made that word up, don't worry about it.

Ummm.......here's a random photo from my new Alice book that I absolutely love.....

Bye.

Sayonara 2010

2010-12-31T07:43:00.000-08:00

You kind of sucked. Like really. I had so many aspirations for you, and I wanted you so badly to be my turnaround year. You were the beginning of a whole new decade, and I wanted you to start with a bang. Which, I suppose you did. But not in a good way. Now, the obligatory recap.....

January

Ben visited from Switzerland, and that was rad. I'd made a bunch of resolutions that I was certain I was going to stick to, got awesome presents for Christmas, and things were going well. Then.......well then everything changed. January 9th was my first of many trips to the ER for what turned out to be an anxiety disorder. That basically defined the rest of the year.

February

I basically spent this month being completely out of sorts. Doctor visits, doctor visits, therapy visits, more therapy visits, coming to terms with my newfound disorder, and feeling just a little bit more normal. Slowly I began to get better.

March

Things started to get much better, and I began leaving the house again. Basically I was feeling almost back to normal, so much so that I made it to the Holi Festival. And there, amongst the throngs of people and colored powder, I realized that I was going to be okay.

April

Things continued to get better, though I did have some setbacks. I made up for it by spending time with high school friends.....

And by having a Goodbye Apartment Party, because I seriously thought I was moving out. I totally wasn't though, I had a few months left in my awesome place.

May

Was freaking awesome. I went to Vegas not once, but TWICE. Once for work.......

Where I met and got a blurry pic taken with a famous British boxer at The Palms, and then I went once with Trey.

Which was a big deal because I drove the whole way there. Just months ago I couldn't leave my parents' house, and now I was driving completely out of state for an entire week. Plus I got to hang out with the love of my life, Johnny Depp.

June

I started my photo a day blog and also joined a bowling league to get out of the house, but still struggled a bit with anxiety which made having the desire to go anywhere almost nonexistent.

I also moved out of my apartment after almost 5 years of living there. Probably the biggest change of the entire year.

July

July was my favorite month, and I decided that summer.....which I once loathed because of the heat....was now my favorite month ever. There's so much to do and no stupid weather to worry about.

I went to my first concert since becoming an anxious mess and moved in with my awesome aunt and uncle.

And spent tons of time at the waterpark overcoming my fear of waterslides.....as well as my newfound apprehension of rollercoasters at Lagoon.

August

I turned 26!!!!!

Went to Wendover....

And saw The Lion King. I also started my WTF Celebrity Crush series, my 26 Before 27 List, and got my heart broken. Again.

September

Went to a concert with Becki.....

While my aunt's house almost burned down.

Also went to the fair and an 80's bachelorette party.....

And wore a skirt in public for the first time in years.

October

Anberlin concert with Alina!!!!

I also went to a haunted house, which I use to love but was totally scared of due to my stupid nerves. It was awesome though, and I still love haunted houses. I was also a panda for Halloween, which was great except for the being sick part. Being sick was like my theme this year.

November

I got new hairs, babysat Doug the dog for a week, thought I'd ruined my dispatch career forever, and survived Blizzard 2010.

December

Went on my first ever cruise and my first ever trip out of the country, and I went through the whole thing panic attack free.

I also went to Disneyland and nearly murdered a guy there. True story.

So after doing this little recap, I've realized that this year, as crappy as it was at times, wasn't all that bad. I did a lot of awesome things and made some positive changes in my life. It was by far the hardest and scariest year of my life, and you couldn't pay me a billion dollars to go back and do this year again, but in all reality it wasn't a complete waste.

Though I'm still not a fan of this year, I'm not going to say "screw you 2010", which was my original plan. Instead I'm just going to say, "I'm not sorry to see you go 2010. Not sorry at all".

Bring on 2011, it HAS to be better. There's no way it couldn't be.

No More Complaints.....Not All the Time At Least

2010-12-30T17:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted because I've been a brat lately, letting everything get on my nerves and then biatching to everyone around me about everything, and I feel like sometimes my moods get out of control and I don't want my blog to be all negative and whiney. Even if that is what I am 97% of the time. I'm trying to change that though, and maybe not complain quite so much.

Like I could complain about the crazy amount of snow we've gotten.......and how this morning while I tried to scrape about 8" of ice off my car, as soon as I finished a window and moved on to the next, the window I just finished would ice over again......and then my driver's door was frozen shut, so I had to crawl through my car from the passenger side covered in snow.....and then I somehow slammed my ice scraper in the door and busted the ice scraping part, which is the most important part.....and then once I climbed over everything and got in the driver's seat all my windows were covered with ice again and I was scraperless, cold, wet, and didn't know whether to laugh or cry.......and then I had to drive to work at 4:30 in the morning on completely unplowed roads.......

But I won't complain.

Instead I'll tell you that Christmas was lovely. My family makes me laugh even when they're making fun of me for being sick on the couch Christmas Eve with a puke bowl by my side......no complaining though.

The Kermit doll who looks like he's in agony that my brother gave me, announcing that he's sick via wrapping paper roll. I spent the majority of Christmas Eve reminding everyone how sick I was so it became some kind of joke. Though seriously I was siaaaaaaaaaaak.

I got an awesome vintage suitcase for Christmas from my mama, and Life In A Suitcase, another Etsy shop from mallorymakesthings....

And that's awesome.

Also, it seems like suddenly the whole driving in the snow thing makes sense to me. I finally get it. After 8 years of driving in Utah during the winter, I can finally do so without crying. I don't completely loathe driving in it like I use to.

And sometimes, snow is pretty.

So yeah. Things are good.

The Misadventures of Online Dating

2010-12-21T15:17:00.000-08:00

My friend convinced me to join an online dating site with her. I think she did it so we could wallow in self pity together, and talk to each other about how stupid online dating sites are. She's had nothing but bad experiences from them (including a guy who picked her up and then stopped to buy weed on the way to the restaurant), yet she insists on trying each one out. I have nothing better to do at the moment, and I happen to know quite a few people that have met someone totally awesome on a dating site, so I figured I'd give it a try. I'm a day in, and I think I'm done. So far I've gotten messages from a 60 year old fishermen with like a bazillion grandkids, an Ed Hardy clad personal trainer, a 19 year old WhO WrItEs LiEk DiZ, as well as this guy....

I'm trying to protect his identity. And I'm doing a darn fine job of it too.

Oh my gosh. I am going to be single forever.

How on earth does anyone meet anyone else who is normal? How does anyone get married EVER? I have horrible luck with boys, and I don't understand why. I like to think I'm pretty awesome, but apparently that is not true. At least the male population does not seem to agree.

Ugh. I just always figured the whole relationhip/marriage part of life would just work out and happen, you know? I didn't think I'd ever be trying to figure out how to introduce myself to someone with 50 words or less on the internet.

I think that getting out of Utah might be beneficial to me.The fact that everyone here gets married before they're 23 means that at 26 there aren't very many fish left in the Utah sea. Not to mention the fact that I don't feel desperate, but I am starting to feel the desperation of those around me who think that really, I'm too old to still be single. And childless. And therefore unaccomplished and lame.

I think I'm just having a bad week. I've spent too many days being bombarded by the damn kiosk workers at the mall who are trying to sell me things, and the conversation always goes "how about for your husband? Boyfriend? Oh, well then.......your brother??"

Sometimes being single is lame.

Best Friends

2010-12-18T23:44:00.000-08:00

via Natalie Dee, "America's Favorite Cracker"

My anxiety right now, for reasons unknown, is acting up like a too tired child at Disneyland. Or a too tired Wendy at Disneyland, since my meltdown there was almost equivalent to that of a 4 year old......whining and feet stomping included.

Ugh I say.

Ugh.

Back on Land

2010-12-14T16:33:00.000-08:00

So I made it back from my cruise, totally alive.

Things that were awesome:

~Our room steward

~The balcony in our room

~The food

~The mostly male, Australian crew
~Room service
~The sun, palm trees, the beach

~The warmth of Mexico
~Cabo Wabo and the drunk, hilarious old ladies there

~Alex, our Mexico tour guide

~The strange looks I got from all the older people on the ship when I wore leg warmers

~Not having one single panic attack while on board, though to be honest I came close, just once
~The Haunted Mansion and Pirates at Disneyland

~Not getting sea sick on the last day when barf bags were being handed out because the sea was so ridiculously out of control.

Things that were not awesome:

~There were no single boys on the boat over the age of 12
~The Hot Jazz broadway type show - I hate jazz
~Having a beverage in Mexico, with ice, then realizing there's ice in my drink and freaking out about how Montezuma's revenge is now totally a possibility (insert almost having a panic attack here)
~The millions of people that accosted Sara and I on the beach trying to sell us who knows what
~The guy that grabbed my ankle and started drawing a stupid ass flower henna tattoo on it while my attention was being diverted in a million different directions by sellers, then wanting $5 for the stupid ugly thing that's stuck on my ankle now for 2 weeks
~The ridiculous lines at Disneyland
~Getting LAND SICK after getting off the boat
~Still being land sick 4 days later

I didn't take pictures of the unawesome things, because those wouldn't be any fun to scrapbook. I don't scrapbook, but just in case I ever decide to I don't want to have to wade through all the unawesomeness.

All in all, the cruise was good times, until we stepped off the boat. I've been sick, sick, sick. I apparently would not make a very good pirate.

Oh, and don't go to Disneyland on a Friday night when you're queasy and it's the holidays so the whole freaking place is crowded, because you will almost murder a guy pushing a stroller. I promise. Yelling matches in the happiest place on earth = FML.

Didja miss me?

The Anxious Traveler

2010-12-04T10:59:00.000-08:00

So I leave for my cruise tomorrow, and I'm trying my hardest to not freak out.

Anxiety is lame. Honestly how many people dread a vacation, simply because they can't help but think the worst? Every trip I go on I'm afraid I'm going to die or that something equally as horrible is going to happen. It's completely ridiculous, but at the same time the fact that people don't worry about everything seems completely ridiculous to me. I'm doing much better at not letting things get to me, but trips right now are still a little bit hard for me to handle, which sucks because I love to travel.

Ugh.

I am excited and I know everything is going to be fine, but I just can't stop the thoughts sometimes. Worrying is like second nature, and it feels weird not to worry. But I hate worrying because it's tiring and lame. It would be nice to be able to feel nothing but excitement for a trip.

I know though that with every trip I do take, things will get better. The worry will lessen and my resolve to not let anxiety rule my life will become stronger.

Wish me luck.

Best Video Ever. Hands Down.

2010-11-30T17:23:00.000-08:00

If you do nothing else but watch this video today, then you can rest assured that you have had yourself an epically awesome day.

It's from The Worst Witch, a movie I was forced to watch every Halloween time in elementary school, which is super odd because this movie is weird. And disturbing. And possibly detrimental to the mental state of little ones, but when I was a young'n no one cared about shielding my innocent eyes from the ridiculousness that is this movie. I'm willing to bet a million dollars they would never show this movie to kids nowadays.

And this song from the movie......oh this song. It is the best thing that's ever happened in ANYONE'S life, ever.

Some of my favorite things about it include.....

~Tim Curry as the Grand Wizard, whom every female within a 59,000 mile radius is seemingly in love with because he's just. so. dreamy. Totally believable, right? Plus his cape is the size of Rhode Island, which is awesome.

~The weird 80's video effects.

~The large cardboard sun Mr. Curry brings out from behind his back and shoves right into your face.

~Somewhere in the middle the lyrics kind of stop rhyming.

~Tim Curry talking like Tim Curry always makes me laugh.

~At one point he asks, "has anybody seen my tambourine?" whilst bringing a tambourine out from under his state sized cloak. So..........is he asking if you've seen his tambourine that's in his hand?! Or is he asking if perhaps you've seen his sweet tambourine skills because if not, you're about to? He is Tim Curry after all, so I guess if anyone is going to make tambourine a verb it's him.

i.e. He's tambourining my face off!
Do you want to go tambourine tonight?
When she tambourines it sounds like angels laughing.

That all sounds dirty, but it's not. Unless you picture Tim Curry saying it, because then it definitely is.

On to the video now, eh? It starts out weird, but just hang in there because it gets even WEIRDER and totally, amazingly awful. You can thank me later for bringing this awesomeness into your life.

You're welcome.

Rut Abolished

2010-11-29T14:11:00.000-08:00

So I needed a change. My life has become nothing more then going to work, coming home, sleeping....going to work, coming home, sleeping...then on my days off there was a lot of sleeping and time spent trying to find something awesome to do.

I was in a rut. I figured changing my hair might help a little.

So I got them fancy Remy clip in extensions from Sally's.

And I must say that I'm officially out of my little rut.

And I'm in love with my new hairs.

sNOw

2010-11-23T16:25:00.000-08:00

Batten down the hatches kids, a storm's a'comin.

Apparently, according to how everyone at work was acting, we're about to experience the worst blizzard in the history of the universe. Yay.

I don't think I can do one more Utah winter. I hate the snow so much, I don't think I can adequately put the loathing into words. But I'll sure as heck try.

I think most people don't actually love snow itself, they love the idea of it. Just like many times in my life I've realized that I don't actually like/love a certain person, I just like/love the idea of that person. The perfect idea of them that excludes anything annoying, lame, or ugly.

It's like snow. It seems magical, pretty, pure, so storybook perfect. Nothing sounds better then curling up in a blanket, perhaps near a fire, drinking hot cocoa while it snows outside. Yes, that sounds lovely. Perfect. Magical. And I'll agree that it sure does make things look pretty.

But after 26 years of dealing with what is suppose to be "the greastest snow on earth", I've found that it's not all that great. Snow sucks.

I hate that it's cold and wet. I hate that it becomes ice. I hate that it turns Utah roads into the ugly mutant offspring of icecapades and bumper cars. I hate that I have to be to work at 4:50 a.m. which is way before ANY snow plows have gone out and done anything. I hate that for one entire season I am deathly afraid of leaving my house because who knows how many near misses or actual hits are awaiting me out in the world.

I don't ski. I don't snowboard. I don't even like tubing/sledding very much, though sometimes it is awesome. Sometimes. I don't see the point of snow, unless it Christmas. It could snow on Christmas Eve and Christmas and I would be perfectly happy. But that's it.

All day at work everyone ran around like it was the end of the world because of this dang blizzard. People left work early.....I couldn't, sad day.......and I'm pretty sure 95% of my office will be empty tomorrow save me and maybe 2 other dispatchers and the officers of course.

If I never, ever had to leave my house, or if everything I needed to do was within a few feet of where I live, I would probably love the snow.

But right now, it is my nemesis. Snow = suck. I hate winter.

Sometimes I think before speaking, but that doesn't mean it will make sense.

2010-11-21T22:11:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time this happened.....

Friend: So you're pretty much as blind as a bat then?

Me: Well without my glasses or contacts I am almost legally blind, but if I were as blind as a bat then that would mean I have incredible night vision, which I totally don't have. So no sir, you are wrong AND foolish.

Friend: *blink* *blink* *blink*

Me: Yeah, that's what I thought. Moted. (And side note, I am on a mission to bring moted back into the world's vernacular. I have yet to find a word that emphasizes motedness as well as moted does.)

Friend: Are you joking? And please think very, very hard before answering that question.

Me: What? No. Bats have awesome night vision, everyone knows that. They see in that green tint, you know?

Friend: Oh. My. Gosh.

Then suddenly it all clicked and I realized that my bat-night vision thought process was severely screwed up.

Every time you see bats on ye old television, it's usually inside dark caves or late at night. Thus the cameras usually have their special night vision lens or whatever on, so you see the bats in night vision green, but that does not mean that that's what the bats see.

Typing that out really does not help my cause, because that thought process makes even less sense now then it did before I tried to explain it.

I have no words.

Sometimes I struggle with life.

But it's alright, because in 3 weeks hence I will have been to Disneyland!!

Which proves that through all my struggles, I somehow manage to once in a while WIN at life.

That One Time When I Met The Weasley Twins

2010-11-18T15:55:00.000-08:00

So in honor of the Harry Potter movie coming out that I probably won't see until at least Sunday because all my friends are lame and I totally sucked at getting midnight showing tickets, I'm going to show you pics of me and some Harry Potter peeps.

I think this was right before the third movie came out and I just happened to hear over the radio that some Harry Potter cast members along with some other actorish people would be signing autographs at the mall in downtown SLC. I fittingly had a freak out session and then called everyone I knew to get them to come with me. Would you believe that no one could come? I went all by myself. It was a sad day, standing in line all alone for like a good hour. I finally convinced my brother and his girlfriend to show up so I didn't feel like such an idiot loser face.

I then met Ray Park who plays Darth Maul in Star Wars/Toad in X-Men/The Headless Horseman when he's actually headless and not Christopher Walken in Sleepy Hollow....which is a Johnny Depp movie!!! Awesome.

Oh, disposable cameraness.

Then I met the guy that played Sauron in Lord of the Rings.....some kid from Star Wars.....and Seamus from Harry Potter.

I took pics with them, but I have no idea where they are. This was back when all I had was a disposable camera and no computer so I just got everything developed. Many a pic have been lost since then. Sad.

BTW, the kid that plays Seamus is a foul mouthed little jerk. At least he was, maybe he's more mature and less annoyingly bratty now.

Then there was....

Neville!!

Who looks like this now.....

Yeah, what?

And then, last but not least........

The Weasley Twins!! Whom I made talk to my best friend on my cell phone while she was stuck at work....and whom I also got to kiss me on both of my cheeks. At the same time. Win. Look how darn giddy I was.....I mean, it was one of the highlights of my young life.

Oh. memories.

Feather Earrings and Johnny Depp

2010-11-14T21:57:00.000-08:00

This weekend was a bust. My stupid innards are mutinous I think. I'm having stomach type issues that have left me in a fetal position for the majority of the weekend.

Blech.

But on a good note, I got some really pretty feather earrings from Pixie Glamour.

Awesome. I'm a fan of neon.

I still have one more day off, so hopefully I can salvage some kind of weekend.

And for some randomness, this made me laugh really, really hard.

LOL.

But seriously, tell him.

Because I DO love him. Lots.

Kaelah Is My Hero.

2010-11-11T16:40:00.000-08:00

If you love me, which I know ya'll do, you'll head on over and read Kaelah's post discussing fashion blogs/body image/clothing/jerk face anonymous-ers/and a bunch of other awesome things. It's a post that I really, really love.

And I also love Kaelah, mostly because she singlehandedly.....and unknowingly......inspired me to wear skirts and dresses again. Something that my ratty jeans/sweats/pajama pants loving self NEVER did. Or at least, I haven't done in years. I use to freak out if I had a wedding to attend because I didn't own a single skirt/dress/anything girly.

But now, I own 2 dresses, and 3 skirts. Which may not seem like much, but to me, that's like a bajillionty and seven girly items.

See kids? Unrefutable, blurry cell phone picture evidence of me, in a DRESS. Yeah it's Halloween, but I bought this dress and wore it in public on another occassion, and you know what? I might just wear it in public again sometime. It's a miracle.....just ask my mother.

So anyway, Kaelah is awesome and I want to ber her when I grow up. And so far I have used way too many slashes////////////////for one post.

And in work news~
I'm not unemployed. At least not yet. The day after my manager overheard me give a verbal smackdown to everything that has to do with my job....including her.....she gave me a Butterfingers candy bar.

So either she didn't hear as much as I thought, or she decided poisoning me slowly til I die is better revenge then simply firing my dumb face.

We'll see I guess. The Butterfinger was delicious BTW......poisoned as it may well have been.

Holla.

What have you done to jeopardize your career today?

2010-11-09T17:29:00.000-08:00

As for me, I had what I thought was a private unloading of personal grievances with my supervisor about our new manager, our new workplace, and everything we dislike about our new work world in general. This was all done with very colorful words and inappropriate name calling, of course.

And of course, because my life is more like a horrible sitcom then actual reality, my supervisor's cell phone had butt dialed our manager. I mean, how could it not have? Obviously that is the worst thing that could have happened at that moment, so of course it happened. This is my ridiculous, awkward, and unbelievable life we're talking about here.

So my manager heard the whole conversation.

Including the part(s) where I may or may not have called her a bad name.

Oops.

But you know what? When I found out that she had heard, I didn't feel like passing out, vomiting, or hiding under the desk. I felt like laughing and fist pumping, Jersey style. I'm so fed up with all the hoops my job has made me jump through, and I still haven't fogiven them for trampling and tearing apart the most awesome communications center ever like a freaking t-rex on a dairy farm.

They took something that was so good it was beyond perfect, and they decided that it was just. too. good. It was running too smoothly and people were getting along too well. Obviously, we can't have that. I mean, I was actually loving my job, loving my coworkers, and loving life. Happiness in the office?? Rubbish!!!

They tore apart my dept, and are trying to place the few of us that survived the massacre in with another dept. Things aren't going well. Or maybe they are and I just can't see that because I'm still too tramautized by the t-rexish big wigs that ripped apart all my hopes, dreams, and happiness limb by limb.

Is this what being a grownup is all about? Because if so, I want no part of it. I'm not a mean person, but I'm becoming bitter and jaded, and I don't like either of those words. Except sometimes I like saying jaded, because it sounds cool. And deep.

Then I read posts by Little Chief Honeybee and A Beautiful Mess today, and I realize that it's not all bad. Maybe I need to begin thinking outside the lines. Think about what makes me happy and what I may need to do to make sure I don't get stuck in the hamster wheel that is the working world.

I may need to take a giant leap of faith sooner rather then later, and hope to heck it works out in my favor.

I need to not be scared to be uncomfortable, unsure, and unconventional.

I need a change.

WTF Celebrity Crush ~ Howie Dorough

2010-11-04T15:56:00.000-07:00

In honor of what is probably THE GREATEST NEWS EVER ANNOUNCED IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.......

I'm continuing my WTF celebrity crush series with a BSB.......Mr. Howie Dorough.

(I totally had this poster. For reals.)

As far as boy bands were concerned, I didn't play favorites. Well except for Ritchie, but that's because he was just so gosh darn cute and british.

But BSB, N'Sync, 98 Degress.......whoever else, I didn't have THE ONE boy in the band that I loved unconditionally. No single boy from a band covered the inside of my locker. I couldn't declare my love for any one person, just the band as a whole.

That's the way it was. At least that's how it was, until it happened.

It = the greatest moment of my young life.

One year BSB came in concert here in good 'ol SLC for not one, but TWO nights. My friends and I stood in line for what felt like a million years to get tickets, and get tickets we did.

In the nosebleed section.

3 rows from the very back.

But it was okay, because we were going to be in the same arena as the BSB. My young heart was bursting with joy and hormones and probably something else incredibly awkward and embarrassing.

I didn't think life could get any better. But then, it did.

My aunt Erica, who is perhaps the coolest person on the planet, worked for an insurance company that insured United Concerts. The very company putting on the BSB show. She was able to get tickets for the first night, while the tickets I purchased were for the second night. I was going to get to go to the concert TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW!!!

And......and.........AND.........my tickets with Erica were pretty much right next to the stage.

O.M.G.

I died.

Then I came back to life, and went to the concert. It was an "in the round" concert or whatever they're called, where the stage is in the middle with the crowd on all sides. At one point during the show the boys flew out over different sections of the audience, superman style.

And who flew over my section?

The skeezy/looks-like-a-40-year-old-but-he's-really-20-something Howie Dorough.

I darn near killed my poor aunt in a desperate attempt to reach him and his awesomeness. I was immediately in love. And not like love, LOVE LOVE.

This is a reenactment drawing of the moment.....

Can I tell you that I physically tried to write things in paint before I realized you can totally add text? You can probably tell by looking at the photo, but I just wanted to point that out. Technologically gifted am I.

From that moment on, Howie was my favorite. I mean, how could he not be after we shared such a moment together?? Of course I knew that that brief moment he spent flying over my head at 30 MPH was all it took for him to fall madly in love with me, and one day he would show up on my doorstep and whisk me away to the magical backstreets of Orlando, Florida.

It never happened, and yet I waited and waited and never gave up hope that the scrawny, least talented member of the band would one day be mine.

Oh to be young and falling all over yourself to be near any guy with a pulse.

I don't really know what Howie has been up to besides voicing Santa Claus on a Dora the Explorer movie, which makes me vomit a little in my mouth. I hate that show, and I'm glad I don't have kids that I have to ban from watching it. Or ban them from making me purchase the merchandise from it. Her voice gives me a headache.

CRAP!!! While looking up Howie info I just saw on his Twitter that they were on Oprah today, and I managed to tune in to see the last 5 minutes of the show and all I saw was Peter Frampton.

Curses.

Anyway.....apparently he married this chick and had a baby or some babies. I don't know.

But Howie, at least we'll always have The Delta Center.

This is Halloween, Sicko Style

2010-11-01T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'm still feeling yicky, but I did manage to leave the house for a few minutes Saturday night to head to Sara's Halloween party, so my thrown together panda costume didn't go to waste.

The rest of the weekend was spent in bed, coughing, crying, (because I'm a BABY when I'm sick,) and watching Ghost Adventures.

But before the sickness I crossed another thing off my 26 Before 27 List....

Steph, Freddy, Me, Sara. We seriously laughed about Steph's face for like 80 years after we got done and saw the picture. In her defense the photographer counted to three while we were still getting in place, and took the picture really before we could get ready. Steph was in the middle of saying something I think.

9. Go to a haunted house/cornmaze and not freak out. That's another new fear that I didn't use to have that I need to get over stat. I've always loved haunted houses.

Done and done. And I still love haunted houses.

I'm sad Halloween and October are dunzo, because that's my absolute favorite month and holiday ever. But now I can start getting super excited for my cruise and Disneyland!!

I hope you all had a wonderful Halloween/First day of November!!

Shiack.

2010-10-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

I've spent the past couple of days in bed, trying not to cough my insides out.

I've also been trying and failing to sleep, and I'm not happy.

Halloween is my favorite holiday ever, and it seems like anytime I get really sick, it's always on or near Halloween. Damn you universe.

I'm hoping I'll be well enough tonight to at least stop by a party or else my whole costume is going to waste. Though I don't know what to do about makeup since my entire face seems to be running.

Blech.

Bathroom Stalls

2010-10-26T12:30:00.000-07:00

Satraday I went to The Woodshed to see some of my friends....or really friends of a friend.....perform.

I also took some bathroom stall pics there in an art project I'm calling "Tales from the Bathroom Wall."

People are freaking ridiculous.

I also crossed something off my 26 Before 27 list. It's definitely one of the easier goals I had.

I went to The Blue Plate Diner for breakfast on Sunday. It was good, but not great. And crowded!! That's what happens I guess when a place is featured on The Food Network.

And then......

It arrived!! The cruise is becoming more and more real, and my anxiety over it is become more and more extreme. I had a dream the other night in which Sara and I were trying to get to San Diego and everything kept going wrong. I forgot my passport so we had to come back for it. Then I forgot my suitcase(?!) and we had to go back. Then we got lost and I lost my money. I'm trying not to believe this is some kind of foreshadowing of what's to come....I hope it's just my mind stressing out over nothing.

Blech. Maybe December wasn't the best time to plan a trip considering how I live in Utah where it's already snowing in October. Flying or driving will both be affected by the weather so I'm torn as to what to do.

Any suggestions?

Driving =Disneyland and Vegas, but driving also=potentionally unsafe road conditions.

Flying=Get there much faster, but flying also=more expensive, scarier, and no Disneyland!!

I hate decisions.

Employee of the Freaking Universe

2010-10-22T21:46:00.000-07:00

I'm about to embark on my 18th hour of a 20 hour shift.

At one job.

I've been in this chair since 5 a.m., and I will continue to be in this chair, or possibly curled up under the desk, until 1 a.m.

{Via}

I'm basically the best employee ever.

Holla'.

And in other news.......check out Kaelah's freaking awesome giveaway!!!!!!

It is amazing. Seriously.

And I am tired. Deliriously.

Just a Thought

2010-10-21T20:33:00.000-07:00

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”

~Shel Silverstein

Stronger

2010-10-20T13:17:00.000-07:00

I was awoken from a dream involving Brittany Muphy, Eric Roberts, a bunch of people from high school, my brother and his friends, and a Las Vegas Casino by my phone playing Anberlin's Godspeed. I don't know if it was the sudden start from the loudness of my phone or the craziness of the aforementioned dream, but when I went to stand up I was feeling an all too familiar and all too disorienting feeling of being disconnected.

That derealization thing I've mentioned before, it happened today. I don't know why.

But it freaked me out. Feeling like you're in a dream while you're awake is certainly not fun. As I thought more and more about how strange everything looked and how odd I felt, the adrenaline rush I get right before a panic attack took over. It starts in my head and travels down my body.....a hot, tingly mess of a feeling that makes it hard to breathe.

I'll be damned though if I'm going to have an attack now after I've been doing so well. So I didn't. I felt weird and off for a good few minutes and my heart was beating out of my chest at a million beats per minute, but I didn't panic.

And that is awesome.

Now I only wish I knew why it happened in the first place.

Anxiety and panic are sneaky little jerks.

All I could really think about during all this nonsense was my cruise. What on earth will I do if this happens while I'm out on the open ocean, away from my family and the ER and the doctors in Murray that I know all too well?

The same thing that happened today, I told myself.

I'll tell the panic to shut the hell up and leave me be. That I don't have time for this nonsense right now, and really I don't know if I'll ever have time for it again. It's not going to win. I'm not going to let it.

I haven't seen the beach in years. I haven't swam in the ocean or hugged a palm tree or felt the sand beneath my feet in far too long, so I'm not going to let this anxiety keep me from experiencing all of those things now that I have the opportunity to do so.

I'm stronger than this, I swear.

Feature

2010-10-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

I'm featured over on Sonya's blog today!!!

Go check it out, and thanks Sonya for being so awesome!!

I May Be Getting Old, I Don't Understand Style Choices Nowadays.

2010-10-16T17:05:00.000-07:00

So wait a minute........letting your roots grow out to unearthly proportions is suddenly in style?

And all those years I thought I was just being super lazy and really too broke to afford to recolor, when in all actuality I was being a trendsetter.

Ombre hair.....I don't know how I feel about it. I'm torn between my love of not having to do much to keep my hair up, but at the same time I feel like this look is really just awful. I remember seeing pics of Lauren Conrad a while back with this hair and thinking "My goodness, she can't afford to touch that up? There's even that Quick n' Easy root stuff, so not having time shouldn't be an excuse.......I mean it's supposedly quick......and easy......"

I had no idea that this root-tastic hair is what the new cool is.

Along with harem pants and apparently leggings with knee pads.

Don't.

Understand.

But perhaps these will go the same way as skinny jeans went for me....I swore I'd never own a pair but now, I do. Just one pair though. And I actually kind of love them.

I really don't see that happening with these trends however. I don't need extra material adding to my crotchel/hip/upper thigh region, and the knee pad thing doesn't make any sense unless I'm taking up carpet laying or extreme gardening.

Thoughts?

**********EDIT**********

I just realized that there is no such thing as Quick n' Easy, it's Nice n' Easy. That shows you just how much I know about hair care products. The more I think about it the more I realize that quick n' easy can't possibly be a brand name when it's such a blatantly obvious "your mom" joke.

Spiders Are My Most Loathed Enemy

2010-10-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

What in the hell is up with spiders? I mean......what is their deal??

That sounds like an awesome intro to a standup comedy routine, but I'm being serious. Why do they have to be all up in my business, ruining my life, and making it hard to sleep? Why are they so creepy and spidery and gross?

Living in a basement is quickly becoming one of my least favorite activities. I cannot handle bugs at all without freaking the eff out, but that especially goes for spiders.

So gross.

I hate them so much. I just had to kill the weirdest looking black and white spider with a humongous butt, which means he was probably hella poisonous or it was a she and she was preggers with a billion evil spider babies.

And now I'm just suppose to fall asleep in this room, knowing full well that weird assed spiders may be climbing up my bed skirt??

Seriously.

Wary

2010-10-13T18:43:00.000-07:00

The cruise is booked. I went and applied for my passport today. There's no turning back now.

I'm more excited now about the whole cruise thing than I was, but I'm still more apprehensive than I'd like to be. I just can't stop the "what if" thoughts. It's one of my biggest problems.....I'm so good at building things up to be daunting or frightening or dangerous. So much so that I go into everything convinced that it's just going to be horrible. I freak myself out, and it's no good.

We've decided at this point that we're probably going to drive instead of fly, just because flights are so expensive. I'm bummed because I wanted to get this flying thing out of the way so I'm not scared of it anymore, but at the same time it's great because flying and going on my first ever cruise may just be too much for my stupid anxiety to handle. OR maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit. I'm sure I would be fine flying, I will be fine flying, and I'm going to do it sometime soon, I promise.

A good thing about driving though is that we get to go to Disneyland!!! Don't look at me like that, I've only been to Disneyland once and it was about 3 years ago. I totally loved it. I have a childlike sense of wonder dammit, and I'm not embarrassed to admit that I almost cried when we walked through those Disney gates. Most people think it's lame or a theme park for babies, but I think it's pretty much the greatest place ever.

In other news, I've officially moved back home with the parentals. At 26 years old. I'm trying not to let the fact that I'm as old as some people who are totally doctors or lawyers or whatnot make me sad. Moving back home is a good thing. I need to get my shit together, and I couldn't do it anymore out on my own. Plus with all the new money I will soon have after everything gets paid off, I'll be able to buy stuff!!

I haven't bought stuff in years. Before just a few months ago, I hadn't purchased a new clothing item in about 2 years. I'm serious. Crazy stuff, I know.

So here's to new beginnings and cruises and Disneyland and getting over stupid fears and buying stuff!!!!!

If Only I Was This Lucky in Vegas!

2010-10-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

So kids I just won another giveaway, and it's a HUGE giveaway at that!!! I totally won FreckledNest's Big September Giveaway, and look at all the awesomeness that is coming my way from some totally amazing peeps!!

Fancy Cat Vintage: Shop and Mailing List

Giveaway: $20 Gift Certificate to FancyCatVintage

Oh Hi: Blog and Shop

Giveaway: Ampersand Stitch 4x4

Dirty Laundry: Blog and Shop

Giveaway: Autumn & Lavender Cupcake Bath Fizzle

Cactus and Olive: Blog and Shop

Giveaway: Paper-Crafted Airplane Baby Mobile

One Late Night: Blog and Shop

Giveaway: The Hide Tide Nautical Plush Camera

Grrfeisty: Blog and Shop

Giveaway: Custom Bunches of Flowers Headband

Sweet Birdie Blue: Shop

Giveaway: Candy Striped Cushion Cover

Definitely go check out all those lovely ladies blogs/shops because they are pretty much the coolest people ever.

With all my good luck, I feel it's only fair to spread the wealth. So I've decided to do my own giveaway, but I haven't decided what it is I'll be giving away quite yet. I'm going to wait until I get to 55 followers because 55 is pretty much my most beloved number ever. Once that happens, the giveaway madness will begin so stay tuned.

And yay for winning at giveaways and life. Or so I pretend.

10 To the Third Power

2010-10-10T22:31:00.000-07:00

It's 10/10/10, which is pretty awesome and it really doesn't happen all that often, thus I feel like I should say something.....but really, I have nothing. Nothing at all. So.....

Haberdashery.

And...........

Here's me, as a koala, from an old cell phone photo circa 2006.

Happy 10/10/10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anberlin

2010-10-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday Alina and I went to the X96 Half Ass Show where Anberlin was performing. Seriously they are one of my most favorite-ist bands ever, and they are so, so, so good live.

Alina and I in the crowd, really before anyone even started playing. I was already all schweddy and gross.

Civil Twilight and the Crash Kings opened, and they were both delightful. So much so that I will be purchasing their music soon. I love when the opening bands don't suck.

Then Anberlin played, and it was amazing as always.

The concert was great, except for the fact that I was stuck next to some guy who looked like him......

And had the WORST B.O. EVER.
I'm serious, I've never smelled anything as horrible as that. Luckily about halfway through Anberlin's set I was able to move away from him, only to be stuck next to two 12 year olds who would not stop making out. It was better then the stench though, so I guess it was okay because dangit, I love concerts and all the madness that comes along with them.