Somebody That I Used to Know

I seriously can't stop listening to this song. I love Gotye mucho.

Also he kinda reminds me of my friend Ben. My friend Ben that lives in Switzerland and has really awesome red hair. I miss that kid.

Why I Love the Utah Jazz

I've never really been a sports person persay. I've always liked the Utah Jazz because for most of my life they were the only sports team of any kind Utah had, so it's that whole hometown team pride thing. But now, now my liking of the Jazz has become a complete obsession. An undying love. And it's for a strange reason I suppose.

Jazz games can stop my panic attacks.

Weird, right? I think it's because when I was having panic attacks all the time and I was living on my mom's couch, I watched a lot of Jazz games. And watching those games did a few things for me;

1. I had something to concentrate on other than my panic.
2. My mom and/or dad was there watching the game with me, so I wasn't alone.
3. There was always some kind of awesome dinner when there was a Jazz game on.
4. I decided that if I didn't die from panic, it would be really, really fun to go to a Jazz game. I concentrated on that and made it a goal.

So even during that period of my life when I was basically having a panic attack at all times, if there was a Jazz game on I would immediately calm down. It was like magic.

Now, a Jazz game to me is like a hug or a lullaby or something else comforting, like Patrick Stewart's voice. I love the Jazz. I love that they (unbeknownst to them) helped me through my crazy, and I also love that they are doing so well right now, which is what prompted me to write this random, random post.

Anyway. Go Jazz.

Two Years

Two years ago today I had my very first panic attack.

Two years ago today I honestly thought I was about to die. I went to the ER convinced that I was living the last few moments of my life. It was the scariest thing that I have EVER been through. I lived, of course, but for a while I thought that I honestly only had moments left.

Two years ago today was the beginning of a four month nightmare. I thought I was losing my mind. I can't even adequately explain what it's like to be terrified of your own thoughts, to not know what is real and what isn't, and to be scared to death be the thought that you are actually going insane. It all sounds silly, but trust me, it's not.

I honestly can't believe it's been two years. It feels like it was just yesterday. I can vividly remember every single feeling I had during that time, all the thoughts that constantly flooded my brain, and the overwhelming fear. It was awful. That word doesn't even do it justice though. It's one of those things that feels like it was yesterday but at the same time it feels like it was decades ago. It also sometimes feels like it happened to someone else, that there is no way that all that actually happened to me. That I acted the way I did. That I was so scared of everything and that I couldn't control my own thoughts. That's not me.

But it was. And when my anxiety gets bad, or I have a (nowadays) infrequent panic attack, that still is me. And that's okay.

Anxiety sucks, but I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm thankful it happened. Two years ago I temporarily had a nervous breakdown, but it changed my life for the better.

I push myself now to do things I wouldn't normally do, just to prove that I can. To prove that anxiety doesn't own me.

I don't take my life for granted. I don't take my family for granted. I don't take my mind for granted. Nothing is guaranteed, and I know that now.

I have a will to live that I didn't have before. I want to try new things constantly and have adventures and spend more time being happy than sad.

I've also had the opportunity to help people in a way I never thought I would. I know how grateful I was to have family members who knew exactly what I was going through when I was going through all that nonsense. I couldn't imagine not having someone to talk to who had experienced what it's like, because it's definitely something that you can't understand unless you've been through it. I wanted to be that person for others who were going it alone. So I was. I joined a mental health site and became a contributor on the anxiety page. I wrote articles and answered questions and opened up my email to people who needed help.

And helping them helped me.

So here I am two years later in a place much better than I could have ever imagined.

Happy Anniversary to me.

How I Almost Slept Through New Years

My New Years was entirely uneventful. I have never really been a fan of the holiday, probably because I don't recall ever really having a super fun time on New Years. I feel like it should always be more awesome than it is, and then it becomes a bit of a let down. Next year though I'm going to make an effort and do something really awesome, just so I can say I had one fantastic New Years in my young life.

Saturday I worked from 5am to 3pm, then ran a bunch of errands. By the time I got to Trey's house around 6 I was exhausted. We went to dinner at Tepanyaki, my most favorite place ever, and then went back to his house to get ready. I had been invited to a couple of parties and I planned on going, but I fell asleep on Trey's couch. Until 1130. Oops.

Luckily I had bought some cheap tiaras, noisemakers, and fake champagne at the store so Trey and I kinda celebrated at midnight. I had to force him to stop watching Cheers long enough to watch the ball drop, and then it was back to more Cheers. So it wasn't necessarily a bad night, just not very exciting I suppose.

I can't wait for next year though, hopefully it will be full of more debauchery and less naps. And maybe a little less Cheers. Or not, because that show is really still pretty darn good.

It's Alive

In honor of a new year and my need for a hobby, I revived my photo a day blog.

Huzzah.

New Year Promises

That is perhaps true, but I'm posting all about them anyway and I expect you to read them all and take notes. Sucka.

I have always been awful at New Year's resolutions. I start out strong usually, but it only takes a matter of weeks before I completely quit whatever it was I was trying to accomplish. Being complacent and not pushing myself to make a better life just seems so much easier than all the commitment and work it's going to take to turn everything around. Of course in the long run, as I see now, being lazy makes life so much harder. The vast majority of my days are spent the same way, doing the same things over and over while wishing things were different. Obviously nothing is going to change if I don't take charge of the helm and change them myself, right?

Lately my life has been a mess, and I haven't been happy with it or myself in a long time. I spend a vast amount of time wondering, "is this it? Is this my life?" What an awful waste of time that is.

So this year I am going to change things. I'm in my late 20s, which in the grand scheme of things is not old at all, but I feel it is. I need to change things now so the rest of my life is full of all the awesomeness I deserve. I'm making resolutions this year. No, not resolutions......promises. I'm going to do every one of these things, and I can't wait to see the difference a year can actually make.

Plus, if the Mayans are correct, this may be my last year to get my shiz together, so I better get on it for reals.*

2012 Promises

~ Lose weight.
The ever popular resolution of females worldwide. This past year I have made good strides towards reaching this goal. I've lost 30lbs and regained those 30lbs right back.....twice. But I've figured out what works and what doesn't. I know what workouts I will stick with, and which ones I won't. And the biggest thing is that I know it's possible. I can lose the weight, it just takes a lot of work. I'm ready though, I want this more than anything.

~ Start saving up money and seriously look into buying a home.
This is something that lately has been screaming at me. I want a house. I want something that's mine, to decorate and live in and be proud of. I've waited because I always dreamed of living somewhere else...somewhere that probably seems more magical than it really is, like California or London. I realize now though that that may not happen, and it's definitely not happening now, so for the time being I need my own space.

~ Let go of those that make my life worse instead of better.
This will be hard one. I love my friends, but there are a few who bring too much drama into my world. There are others that make me question my self worth. And there are others who are simply on a different path. I no longer have the time to handle petty nonsense, hate myself, let my self esteem drop, and lower my standards to fit in with those around me. Done and done.

~ Reconnect with those that do make my life better.
I have let too many good people fall by the wayside while I've lived in my sad little bubble of hate and drama and nonsense. I miss those people, a lot.

~ Try crafting.
I feel like this is something I would like, but in my lazy state I just haven't had the motivation to try anything. I'm going to try and find out whether or not it's something I like once and for all.

~ Hang out with my family more.
I realize that my family will always be there for me, no matter what, and I haven't really given them as much of my time as I should.

~ Pay off all my bills
Yes please.

~ Decide everyday to be happy.
I need a major attitude adjustment. I need to realize how lucky I am, thank people more often, and choose happiness over fear, regret, anger, and sadness.

~ Don't let anxiety hold me back.
I'm honestly proud of how well I've handled my anxiety and panic attacks. This year I want to keep pushing myself out of comfort zone. I want to fly on many a plane, take road trips, stay in new places, see new things, and not let fear stop me.

~ Travel
Always.

~ Learn how to walk in heels.
I want to try being fancy.

*I do not buy into the 2012

nonsense. Especially since I haven't

been to Europe yet, and I know

 that's going to happen before I die.

2011, You Were Okay I Guess

2011 was pretty uneventful for the most part.

That's not necessarily a bad thing though. After the redonkulousness that was 2010 it was kinda nice to have a little break. Though nothing huge happened this year, a lot of small things did occur which I think will lead to huge things happening in the future.

One of the biggest things, and something I'm incredibly proud of, was me getting my anxious, panic riddled ass on a plane.

I flew to Vegas in May, and it was a big deal. I had myself convinced that anxiety would keep me from ever flying again, which in turn would keep me from doing one of my most favorite things ever.

Traveling is awesome, and I'm glad I can still do it.....anxiety be damned.

I also saw Rammstein in concert, which would have made my 7th grade self pass out from the awesomeness of it all.

It was just as awesome and as epic as I thought it would be.

This year I also think I finally figured out the whole fitness/healthy lifestyle thing, which is good. Now it's just a matter of putting it into practice.

I also started dating this year with a vengeance. I don't know if it's necessarily a good thing or not really, but at least I'm not scared of dating anymore. And I'm learning about what I want, what I don't, and what I absolutely WILL NOT settle for.

So.......that's about it I suppose. If I had to sum up 2011 in one word it would be........

Humdrum.

I guess.

Bring it on 2012, I have some big plans for you. Namely Disneyland and more Rammstein. And more blogging too. I sucked at blogging this year, but humdrum-ness is hard to write about I suppose.

Word.



Christmas Stuff and The UP House

Where have I been?

Working mostly. And breaking up with 2 boys, both of whom I didn't think I was dating in the first place, but apparently I was. Dating is hard, and weird, and kinda dumb. I think I'm going to stop for a while now and focus more on me and my health and whatnot.

I've also been Christmas shopping like a fool. I may have gone a bit crazy this year, but that's okay. I'm excited for tomorrow, and I hope people like the presents I so painstakingly ordered from Amazon.com.

Now some photos!

First, Trey and I went to Wendover for my my most favorite boss ever, Michelle's birthday.

We had an AWESOME view from our window. Wendover is so gosh darn pretty.

We also went to the Dickens Festival, which I remember being so magical and wonderful when I was a kid. Now as an adult, it's less magical and more annoying in that most of the workers' fake British accents are awful, and it's like one big mall kiosk bonanza where everyone is trying to stop you to try out what they're selling. Boo.

Christmas Tree!

I went downtown with the intention of seeing the lights at Temple Square, but there was nowhere to park and it was really cold, so this is all we saw.

And finally, I got to see the UP house that was built in Herriman. It's super cute, and I want to live there, but I don't want to live there bad enough to pay $400,000, which is what it sold for.

That post was all over the place.

Anyway, Merry Christmas everybody!!!!!

...............

That's about all I have right now.

I'm tired.

Halloween Festivities

Even though I am FREAKING SICK, like I always am on Halloween, I went to a few parties last night and stopped by Gracie's for some dancin'.

I was Ke$ha because I love her. F'reals.

 

It was good times. I also spent some time with Becki being all fancy at Ballet West's Dracula.

It was also awesome, but it hurt my heart. I miss dancing. I wish I would have had a better understanding when I was younger that yes, you could have a career involving dance. Gosh dangit.

But you know what makes me feel better? An old Weeble Haunted House!! Do you remember this at all? Because I loved the eff out of it when I was younger, and my parents happened to find it the other day.

Now I plan on spending Halloween hopefully doing something else awesome, like finding someone to watch Paranormal Activity 2 with me so I can then see the third one. I'm friends with babies though, no one wants to watch it with me. Boo.